Monday
Cold Water Running Down a Mountain
Mount Kilimanjaro’s snow cap is 92% gone according to a U.N. global-warming conference. Many officials are moving to rename the peak a “snow beanie”, however, Israel and Peru both object as Israel presses for the snow Yamaka and Peru sights the mountain’s lack of a spinner.
Tuesday
GM Jimmyevsky
GM, combined with a former Soviet Auto maker, plans to introduce the first Russian SUV next month. The SUV will have all the fixin’s including a Handle-of-Vodka holder, a heater, an Air Conditioner that will serve as an auxiliary heater, and seats. The SUV is expected to have a price of $7,500, which, after government payments for license, registration, and bribes, will enable the consumer to use the vehicle for close to $120,000.
Wednesday
Pin the Tail on the Traitor
FBI agent and father of five, Phillip Hanssen, was charged with spying for Moscow since 1985. While Hanssen proved elusive to the FBI’s random lie detector test, he was discovered after a very intense game of “I Spy” on a recent FBI roadtrip. Apparently, after Hanssen guessed the small cactus spied by an undercover agent, he gained control of the game and overtly stated, “I spy small U.S. secrets in an envelope addressed to Russian officials sitting in my brief case.” Not only was Hanssen promptly arrested, but he also suffered the worse loss in “I Spy” the agency has seen in 23 years.
Thursday
No More Migs for Average Joe
The Army is temporarily barring civilians from flying in their air craft. Many civilians were upset about the move. 82 year old Margeret Waterberry was “very sad” to here that the Stealth Bomber flight she scheduled for later this month was cancelled. The Army decided on the change after there was “too much horsing around” on a San Antonio Iron Eagle fleet when they let the former cast of Saved By the Bell take the planes for a spin. “That Tiffany Amber Theisan flies with a real chip on her shoulder,” said Captain Jeremy Snow, “and Screech kept playing with all the buttons.” The Army hopes to open the doors (via jetways) to their planes again sometime soon, until then, Snow said, “civilians will just have to be an Army of none.”
Friday
Network to Care for the Bear
When CBS executives learned of the devastating effect California’s power shortage was predicted to have on the Northwest Salmon last week, they moved quickly for an innovative change. For many years CBS executives have been sympathetic toward the Black Bear, stemming from the hit miniseries “Yellowstone – the story of the First-Lady, a Troubled Youth, and Bears.” Now the executives had a chance to help. The first move was to secure Rosanne Barr and Carrot Top as the newest contestants on the hit show Temptation Island. CBS hopes this will dramatically reduce TV-watching, particularly in California, a hot-bed of temptation lovers, which in turn will help the power shortage. Once there is enough power less water will be needed and the strong current Salmon need to swim up stream and spawn will be restored, providing a plentiful supply of scrumptious food for the endangered Black Bear. Until the plan actually works, though, the executives will just have to sit and wait – and continue to think of more boring hour-long big-city-cop dramas.
Editor’s Note: Readers might be concerned that CBS executives are hiring contestants for a FOX TV show, but this can be easily explained and will be in next week’s “corrections” section.