It is our responsibility as human beings to protect the earth and her natural resources. This, of course, includes out animal friends. One particular species needs our help now more than ever before. I am sure it comes as no surprise to you that I am writing about giraffes.
A potential scourge threatens this gentle and majestic creature. A scourge that, if left unchecked, could cause the extinction of this beautiful hilltopper of the Serengeti. Nevermore would we enjoy the tall and speckled charms of a species dubbed by one fine author as “the pinnacle of organic life at this point in the Universe.” This scourge, of course, has a name. And that name, I am sure you are not shocked to find out, is vampirism.
That’s right. Vampirism.
As we all know, vampirism amongst most species is held in check by the rather moderate success rate of vampire conversion. That is to say, a high enough percentage of conversion attempts by vampires of most species fail, keeping the vampire population to sustainable levels.
The problem with the vampire giraffe population, though, is essentially an anatomical one. With such long necks, giraffes have an impossible time protecting themselves against vampire conversion. The result, of course, is a much higher-than-sustainable vampire giraffe population. Left unchecked, the standard giraffe population has vastly dwindled, leaving in its place rising numbers of bloodthirsty, immortal, shapeshifting giraffes. If the problem continues, every giraffe will undergo vampiritic conversion, and the species as we know it will vanish from this world forever.
For the more cynical amongst you, who are undoubtedly only concerned with how this will affect them directly, I will extrapolate. Every last giraffe has been transformed. There exists no more on this earth a living giraffe capable of producing giraffe blood, the sole source of nourishment for the vampire giraffes. The vampire giraffes get hungry and soon realize that while not ideal, other mammal blood will suffice to sooth the burning in their veins. With barely so much as a “bamf”, they transform into long-necked bats, lanky wolves, or spotted mist and begin terrorizing the world of mammals. Reminder: you are a mammal! No longer will your treetop vampire hideouts save you. Only wooden stakes followed by decapitation will prevent that long black tongue from lapping your sanguine life juice. They will either leave you for dead or, worse, start you down the dark path of a giraffe-human hybrid zombie and edge the world closer to the apocalypse. The Vampire Giraffes Scourge could be the most terrifying and dangerous plague since the Were-Hippo epidemic of 1894 (and I think we are all still reeling from that one).
It is for this reason, Internet Users, that I implore you. Help me stop this plague before it spirals beyond our control. Sign this internet petition and send it to as many people as you can. For every signature we get, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and the Walton Family will each donate seventeen cents to Care One Debt Management, which will then in turn help me reduce my monthly payments to a more manageable level, so that I can dedicate more time and money to refinishing the basement, so I can work uninterrupted in the garage to develop anti-vampire giraffe serums, stakes, informative literature, and internet petitions.
Giraffes everywhere will thank you for your help. One day, when we have beaten this potential epidemic once and for all, you can look up towards the heavens, passed that spotted tower to that noble pate, austerely gnawing foliage. You can then take great pride in knowing you have helped keep the graceful giraffe from sucking the blood of its brethren and keeping our children safe from giraffe-human hybrid zombies.