I’ve spent a lot of my life peeing. I bet you have too. Sometimes I like to spend a good 12-13 hours a day urinating all over myself, just to increase my own self-loathing quotient. But when I leave my house, and forget my catheter, I usually rely on the beautiful urinal. If you’ve never seen urinals, then you’re missing out on a wonderful invention of modern science. I will now inform you non-urinal users about the proper etiquette for using them.
First off, if there is only one urinal in a bathroom, then you must wait in line with other full bladder individuals. This line must be no closer than four feet from the back of the current urinator. Why? The goal of urine etiquette is shielding your phallus and making sure others can pee in a wang-invisible environment. While in this line you are to have your hands folded in front of you or in your pockets. Don’t talk to anyone, because when you talk to someone in the urinal line, you are basically trying to have a conversation with his penis. And it’s got nothing to say.
Now, when there are multiple urinals you have to pay attention to a very complicated algorithm that will ensure no two guys have to stand right next to each other. For instance (get out the calculator) if there are two urinals and one is occupied, you wait. Form a line; see the above paragraph. There could be a line of six-hundred guys waiting, and even if it’s “Take Piss, Win $1,000” Day at the ballpark, they have to wait. If there are three urinals and all of them are empty, you must go to one of the outer ones, to allow another guy to come to the opposite side and flow from the wang as well. No one under any condition should use the middle urinal. If anyone does use the middle one, there is a law in the Constitution that says you can kick them in the shins with metal-toed boots, make him eat one of those big mint cakes, and ostracize him from the bathroom. Now if there are four urinals, you can pick any of them, because each one gives an equal opportunity for one more person to pee. With four urinals, only two people are allowed to pee. In fact only two of four urinals will work, that’s what the sensors are for. When two of four are occupied, the others turn off and in fact increase the bounce factor of your urine off of the porcelain to remind you that you have made an etiquette error.
This brings us to another key point: the bounce factor. You are bound to lose a certain amount of urine that will come back at you with an ammonia-filled vengeance. You can gain a certain degree of control, aiming to the side or so that it will bounce onto itself. You can even bounce onto other guys who made the mistake of taking a urinal next to you. Most people don’t notice this unless they are wearing short or sandals. During the winter months of pants, guys forget that they are pouring their own waste all over themselves, much like taking a bath. Once the shorts slip on, all guys are faced with the moral dilemma of whether or not to go clean the urine off of themselves. Women: time to fret, you don’t want to know what the choice usually is.
We come to a major point of discussion: hand position. Two hands on the wang, and you are telling the world that you need a lot of help to find that sucker. Anyone with any common sense knows that one should do it unless you’ve got dinky circumstances. The only thing more conclusive is no hands. It may be fine when you’re riding a bike, but not so cool when you’re bleeding the dragon. Then what to do with the second hand? Some men like the mount on the wall; these insecure folks are basically saying, “Hey I’ve got so much here that I’m falling forward.” We know this to be untrue, and we do not like you leaners. As a penalty you get a handful of wall disease. The clear choice is the pocket. The pocket is the hand’s safe haven. No one is worrying that it might accidentally make a B-line for Foreign Wang-Ville or that it could be busy doing anything other than overseeing the other hand’s responsibilities. Yep, the pocket is a hand sauna that should be utilized whenever possible.
If there is a newspaper on the wall in front of you, do not read it. Newspaper companies want you to read and lose your concentration, thus peeing all over yourself and needing more newspaper to clean the whole mess up. Damn fascists. If someone talks to you, ignore them, who knows what they’re trying to do. All I know is that it’s got nothing to do with urine, which is all that should be on your mind. If it does have to do with urine, then turn off your ears, they will only get you in trouble.
My friends, follow these rules. Do not face the prosecution of your brethren, or you’ll be bounced onto like you were a basketball court.