Scene 1: Mu Chi house of The University of Tenochtitlan, 1148 A.D.
J: Hey, Queztlpultapec!
Q: Yeah, Jack?
J: You remember that blue agave plant we have outside?
Q: You mean Honest Zuma, the sacred fraternity plant? The one we pour all the extra sugar on, just for fun?
J: That’s the one.
Q: What about it?
J: Well, Old Dean Chiltoltec is threatening to throw us Mu Chis off campus unless we get rid if it. He left a knotted rope.* Look!
Q: Man, that Dean Chilty really puts fire ants in my tunic! That blue agave plant is what makes us Mu Chis Mu Chis! Why, my great granddad planted that blue agave! Well, if Dean Chilty wants us to get ride of Honest Zuma, we’ll do him one better! Who’s with me?
J: I am!
Q: Great, now here’s what we’ll do…
And they plotted way into the hot Aztec night.
Scene 2: The next day, under a table at an award luncheon for Dean Chiltotec:
J: Well, thanks to brother Xemcali, we were able to get in here early and put the plan in motion.
Q: Totally. We spiked Old Chilty’s drinking shell with some of Honest Zuma’s fermented juice, plus we lined the side of the shell with sea salt and stuck a lime near by. This way, when he’ll taste that salt, then drink the juice, and to stop himself from vomiting, he’ll grab for the lime, making it so much worse! He’ll throw up right in front of the other dean’s. He’ll be so embarrassed he’ll let us keep our blue agave!
J: What a great plan. This is surefire! Check it out, he’s about to drink.
Dean Chiltotec puts his drinking shell to his lips. He tastes the salt, drinks the contents of the shell, then, in startled surprise, grabs the strategically placed lime and sucks on it.
J: Score!
Q: Boffo!
DC: Hey! You! You Mu Chi hooligans! Did you do this to my drink?
Q: Damn right! And if you don’t let us keep Honest Zuma, our sacred blue agave plant slowly fermenting in our front yard, there’s more where that comes from!
DC: Well, I’m torn now, honestly. On the one hand I’d like to let you keep that plant, but on the other I’d very much like to know where that wonderful beverage came from. And what’s more, how you came upon the delightful combination of salt and lime.
J: Well, sir, that very drink comes from Honest Zuma. We thought it’d make you vomit. We’re sorry.
Q: Yes, sir, we’re sorry. It was my idea.
DC: Well, young man, you deserve this award, for inventing, well, for inventing this new drink. You cock-knocker. Oh! I do believe I’m intoxicated, Tequila, my dear wife, Tequila. Come help me to the hole in the ground so I can vomit…
Q: Tequila! We’ll call it Tequila, after the first woman to hold someone’s hair back while they threw up from too much fermented blue agave plant! What a great day! We get to keep Honest Zuma, Old Chilty said cock-knocker, and we invented a new way to get drunk! Hopefully this one won’t make people go blind!
And it didn’t. Not much, anyway. Salud!
*Ed. note: Despite the dubious accuracy and glaring inconsistencies in the abovepiece, it is a fact that many Meso-American peoples used to communicate though the tying of knots in ropes. We hope this has been a culturally enriching experience. Hasta luego.