(TWEEEE) No running around the outside of the pool, guys.
(TWEEEEEE) Kevin, come on, no running, knock it off, you’re gonna hurt yourselves.
(TWEEEEEEEE) GUYS. KEVIN, I mean YOU. Come ON.
(TWEEEEEEEEE) OK, look, I don’t know if you’re just ignoring me, or not hearing me, or what, but seriously, stop running. It’s really wet around the pool, obviously, and someone’s bound to slip and fall and break an ankle or something and have to go to the hospital, and then the pool will get investigated and sure as hell the lifeguard, too, guys, and anyway then there’s no swimming for anyone for the rest of the summer. I’ve SEEN IT HAPPEN, all right? So just…just STOP. Running.
(TWEEEEEEEEEEEEE) OK, Kevin, seriously, I just said it, for Christ’s sake! Jesus, what IS it? Do you do this to mock me, like it’s a big joke? Is that what it’s about Gladstone? You’re big and tough or something, and your stupid 12-year-old authority rebellion is running around a wet pool when SPECIFICALLY told not to? Because if so, that’s insanely stupid, man, I mean, there are ways to, you know, show off that don’t involve potential brain damage because that’s what you are in store for. You will slip, you will fall into the pool, you will hit your head on the concrete on the way down, and for your sake I hope you have enjoyed using your lower body so far in your life because that privilege will be TAKEN FROM YOU. I HAVE WORKED AT POOLS WHERE IT’S HAPPENED. So, come on. Just quit it. No running.
Jesus fucki- (TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEETWEEEE) What the hell IS this? Huh? What exactly the fuck is the matter? Do you WANT to die? I mean, maybe that’s it, maybe you WANT to die. In which case, you’re doing a BANGUP job at it, but just know that there are much easier ways to commit suicide than scalping yourself on this WET concrete while your entire neighborhood watches on in HORROR. You will SLIP, Kevin, you will FALL, and YOU WILL WRITHE IN AGONY FOR THREE WEEKS ON LIFE SUPPORT UNTIL YOUR POOR PARENTS (who did NOT ask for this when they had kids, Kevin) WILL BEGRUDGINGLY PULL YOUR DAMN PLUG AND WATCH AS THEIR ONE AND ONLY JOY IN THIS WORLD SLIPS THROUGH THEIR CLUTCHING FINGERS. I have SEEN it happen, Gladstone. I have SEEN it.
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Kev- (TWEEE) Kevin, come on now, you’re pushing it, seriously. Slow it down a little.
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(TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE) NO. NO NO NO NO NO. I CAN’T-…. I don’t even…. (sigh)
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Is it that you just don’t want me to yell? Because I was like that when I was little, I just didn’t like to be yelled at, you know? It’s like, “Look, just TALK to me.” Right? So I can sympathize with that, but look, and I know this sounds like something I’m sure you’ve heard, but I only raised my voice with you when I had already tried talking with you. And look, I was… I didn’t see that stuff happen, and I’m sure you even KNEW that, but let’s, you know, no need for me to hold up that charade anymore. But I am serious. So, just… you know, it’s wet, and… just don’t run? All right? Are we cool then? Good. Because I don’t like yelling at you, Kevin, and I don’t like (TWEEEE) that either. All right. Anyway, so just watch yourself, and slow down a bit.
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(TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-……EEEEEEE…..EE……..TWE-) Um. All right, I’m at a loss now. Because you started running again. And you’re not even stopping running when I blow the whistle, so some basic rules of society now seem to have broken down, and… and I don’t have the manual for that, Kevin. I don’t… you know, one of the things I assume around here, you know, in order to do my job, is that people in this POOL (sniff) will act like PEOPLE (sniff, sniff) and not like ANIMALS. I’m not an ANIMAL TRAINER; I’m not TRAINED for….I don’t….(sniff, sob)
No, I’m not. (sob)
Well, you can just shut up because I’m not. (sob)
You don’t even know, OK? (sob) You don’t- maybe I AM crying? (sob) All right? Maybe I am, but you have no RIGHT to-…. (sobsobsobTWEEEsobEEEEsobEEEEEEsobsobsob)
St-…st….stop running. (sobTWEEsob)
(sobsobsob)
(sobsob)
(sob)
(sniff)
(sniff)
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(sniff)
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Kevin, my girlfriend of three years stopped in the middle of sex last night to tell me she “couldn’t do it anymore” and that she didn’t love me. She moved out this morning. Now…I know you maybe haven’t, well, you may have never known what it is to really love and be loved, but… I mean. I was gonna marry her, man, I really was, I was- (TWEEEEEE) Look at me when I talk to you. I was gonna propose in a few weeks. And when you love someone like, when you have so much of your own life invested in and tied up in…someone, like that. Well… it’s a difficult thing to have it all just end. It’s like I’ve now just lost three years of me. And I don’t know what I’m going to do, and I don’t even know how to date or meet a girl or, I mean, she was It. She was the One. And it’s just… it’s done now. Done. So….
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“So.” Heh.
So, (sigh) I don’t know, Kevin, man, I don’t know. I don’t know what a man’s supposed to do when he finds out maybe Life isn’t really gonna work out. I mean, I’m 29, Kev. I’m a lifeguard at a community pool. It’s not… but I had Courtney, you know? And that made it all right.
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(sigh) I don’t know.
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But stop running around the pool. OK?
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Thanks, Kevin.
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(TWEEEEEE) All right, adult swim, people!
Adult swim.