Have you ever thought about where Satan, Lord of Darkness, makes his home? I mean, seriously, we should all know, ’cause he’s like evil and stuff and to tell you the truth, I don’t want to raise a family with the all-powerful prince of the underworld living right around the corner. I also don’t want Satan’s evil daughters hanging out with my kids ’cause they’re a bad influence and not at all concerned about their education, which, to be honest reflects poorly on Lucifer’s parenting ability. Not to mention that Satan’s evil hound dogs would be like pissing fire on my lawn and trampling over the petunia’s that my wife and I worked so hard to keep pruned, watered, and well-fertilized. Look, all I know is wherever Satan is living, I don’t want to be there, ya know?
There has to be a way to figure out where good ‘ol Beelzebub makes his humble home, so we can avoid it at all costs when deciding where to settle down.
Let’s think about it for a sec. For sure, Satan likes to play golf, because after like a hard day of burning horrible sinners and making people repent for their mortal transgressions you have to relax with a few rounds of links, right? Ok, so that pretty much takes away places like, oh, Saudi Arabia, India, and the large majority of the Saharan Desert, (The Great Sand Trap).
Now, in terms of entertainment, Satan prefers places where the entertainment choices are relatively limited. Now, you might be thinking, “Isn’t Satan this crazy party guy who likes to while his nights away awash in a sea of booze and loose women?” The answer is a resounding no. Satan gets winded after a days worth of work, and wants nothing more than to chill in the confines of his den sipping on single-malt scotch and listening to Megadeath… or Barry Manilow… you know, whichever one happens to be WEVL – Death Metal Favorites and EZ Listening. So, I think we can rule out such big city favorites such as well, New York, Paris, Singapore, and pretty much every major city awash in a sea of booze and loose women.
What about the weather? Well, on account of Hell being chock full ‘o fire, my man likes places that are a little bit chilly, especially ones that get from 8 to 10 feet of precipitation yearly (snow angels, you understand). But, if you know Satan, you also know that he loves young women with sun-dresses, so his home must have a temperate springtime. He also loves water-sports, so he must live somewherez around a body of water. Hmmm, that pretty much takes care of all of the cities below the Mason-Dixon Line, as well as any land locked cities.
Finally, Satan is a huge football fan, but he’s not one of those fair-weather fans. He hates when people are all gloating about winning this, or winning that, he likes a team that is consistently pretty good, but can never seem to win the big game, mostly because of Scott Norwood’s weak-ass miss of a game-winning field goal against the overrated Giants. That pretty much cuts out most other mid-size perennial losers like Kansas City, Charlotte, and Tampa Bay.
So, where does that leave us? Where does Satan live? Well, folks, Satan is pretty darn close to home. Yes, Satan lives in lovely Buffalo, New York. He owns (well, rents actually) a quaint 2 bedroom house on Oak St just outside of Buffalo, with three fire-pissing dogs and a number of evil-minion servants to wait on him claw-and-hoof.
I just thank goodness that my home away from home, Rochester, is a good hour and a half from the King of the Netherworld. Although it would be nice to be able to listen to WEVL, I sure do love that Megadeath…