A lot has been written about the Yankees lately, as they have once again made it to the World Series. But I feel it is time for me to speak to an injustice concerning my home team, the Houston Astros. I think teams that do better, win more games, or get further in the post-season have overshadowed Houston’s tremendous and heartwarming story. I can categorically confirm that the Astros are the best baseball club ever to have been formed, and that if it were possible for the ‘Stros to play teams in other sports I have no doubt that they would crush everyone from Brazilian soccer teams to the Bulls in their hey-day. I just hope that no such sports crossover device is ever created, because it would just lead to needless confusion and commingling of sports that were never meant to commingle.
Perhaps you remember the glory days of the Astros with the Killer B’s; Biggio, Bagwell and Bell. Of course, much like the actual Killer Bees they fizzled out on their trek north through Mexico during the off-season and have since been the subject of several television movies. Bell was traded away, Bagwell was slowly consumed by his goatee until he started to look like Gandalf, and Biggio seems to get younger every year.
It got so bad that at some point, the Astros’ announcer, the man who had been commentating on the games for years, was named the manager of the ball club. Many people feel he was the most qualified for the job. The true story will shake the foundation of Astros fans everywhere. The ‘Stros were on a seven game losing streak, coming down from first place after the All-Star break. This game looked like another loss for the ‘Stros when Larry Dierker, the announcer, got fed up. He went silent over the airwaves for a few minutes, unprecedented (reportedly downing a bottle of Jamison’s), said, “I could manage these bums better than this,” and leapt over the commentator’s booth onto the field. This was no small feat considering the commentators are 200 feet higher than the field. Everyone assumed he would be tackled and dragged off the field, but it was quickly decided to take this drunk announcer up on his offer. Larry Dierker was made manager of the team midway through the game, still drunk. And the Astros went on a 10-game-winning tear. Of course, they never make it past the first round of the playoffs, but that’s all you all ever hear about. I bet none of you have ever heard the Larry Dierker story? Right? Fah, I waste my time on you all.
This is what happens with Houston teams, they are glanced over, taken for granted. The Rockets won back to back national championships, but do you care? Sure Jordan was playing AAA ball at the time, but we were the best there was at the time! I promise! We have that women’s NBA team, the Li’l Rockets, or Comets, I’m not sure what they are. But they have been the National Champs for four years. And where are the letters, the praise, the free money for anyone from Houston? It’s nowhere, you ungrateful bastards! Well, you won’t have Harris and Houston to push around any more! We are so outta here. Let’s see you get by without us to push around any more. Of course you’ll still have the Milwaukee Brewers.