They called me Stingray Pearson. Not because I liked stingrays, which I didn’t. Couldn’t even swim for Chrissakes. Still can’t. Nope, they called me Stingray Pearson because I invented the Sting Ray. For the laymen, that’s a ray that stings the hell outta people. Yeah, it employs the most cutting-edge sting technology. There’s a micronized irritating coil that, uh, that delivers flux to the micronized consolidating apparatus which takes micronized, um, bee pollen extracts. You can adjust the, uh, the Jonaquist Scale (that’s a way to measure stingy-ness and also, um, stinginess) of the beam with a digital palm readout LCD display dial. Also micronized.
Well, ok, I didn’t quite invent the ray. No, I innovated it. Yeah, I added improvements, like the dual power micronized Geiger deflection device. Oh, and also (I sometimes forget this addition because it was just so freakin’ obvious to me that I usually don’t even remember innovating it.) the, ah, the vacuum-sealed micronization bucket and safety. Darn Sting Ray wasn’t complete without it. Punk-ass Ray.
Ah, you got me. I’m fibbing. I didn’t officially innovate anything. I just sell customized Sting Ray accessories. I say “just” but it’s really a lucrative and important business venture. What good is a Sting Ray without micronized sting cartridges, or vulcanized rubber grip micronizer pebbles? Well, no good. Ok, some good. But not much good.
Fine! Fine! It’s lies. All lies! I’m no inventor. I’m no innovator. I’m not even the purveyor of fine micronized products! I’m merely a man. A man with a flat, flat head.