After years of discrimination and exclusion, Geese are bringing their plight to the legal system, demanding economic reparations and policy changes to make up for centuries of oppression at the hands of humans. Leonard Siegel, Esq. of Birnbaum, Engel, Amato and Kowalski is representing the Geese in their class-action suit. He today released this statement:
For as long as our history stretches, the Geese of this planet have been victimized, terrorized, and brutalized by an arrogant and specist system. The time has come for the Geese to honk with one voice and end the centuries of oppression. No more will you fill your pillows with our warmth. No more will you spread our organs on toast. No more will you celebrate a holiday of compassion and joy by feasting on our flesh.
The subjugation of the Anser anser, Chen caerulescens, Branta canadensis, and the scores of other names you have imposed upon Geese of all plumage, does not end with the carnage. It in fact begins with these barbaric acts of sustenance, and proceeds to something far more sinister and calculating. Children play a game in which Ducks are the norm, but one Goose is chosen to be the outcast. The Goose must chase his or her dignity around and around in a circle or be forced to enter the “cookie jar” (euphemism for admiralty court), where he or she is accused of stealing and forced to name names of fellow “co-conspirators). Of course the pariah of this “game” is called Goose. Who would want to be the Goose and live a life of social vagrancy? Who would want to be associated with something so “silly” as the Goose? Something whose name has become synonymous with inanity, looseness, and the inappropriate grabbing of someone’s backside? Do all Geese have long bendable necks? Do they have horrible complexions when it is cold? Do they walk like Nazis? The noble Goose has been slandered to the point of ridiculousness. It is an irrefutable fact that hard-working, college-educated, responsibly migratory Geese are not afforded the opportunities given to humans, let alone other fowl. The cause: diabolical creation and maintenance of Goose stereotypes.
This is the basis of our suit. We are demanding what we feel to be good and fair compensation for the grievances outlined above. We demand the enforcement of libel laws and the end of discrimination against this great and noble species. We put our trust in the legal system of the United States and take comfort that out pursuit is bolstered by the Constitution that created that legal system. Thank you.
When reminded that the Constitution begins with the statement “We the People…”, Mr. Siegel had no comment.
In related news, the Chickens, inspired by the Geese and for similar reasons, have filed a lawsuit of their own. They are also represented by Richard Cornish-Hen, Esq. of Birnbaum, Engel, Amato and Kowalski.