What follows is a thought that really should have been titled “On Being Friends with Bono.” However, upon seeing that title I really wanted to change it to “On Befriending Bono” so that I could get some kick butt alliteration in there. But the thought is very clearly about already knowing Bono (as you shall soon see) and so I said to myself, “well if I’m so willing to sell out for alliteration why don’t I go all the way with it and get some threefold action going on. Consequently this piece is now titled as you have seen before even though I have no idea what opulent means or whether it could be applied to orcas reasonably or even unreasonably.
(Literary exhale)
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I really want to be friends with a rock star. It would be nice to be friends with anyone famous, but a rock star would be extra special. And since Bono is kind of the consummate rock star I think it would be pretty cool to be friends with Bono. Then I could go to all the crazy post-show parties and I could stand in the corner awkwardly with a Mountain Dew and I could sit and shake my head knowingly at all the excess and occasionally make a witty comment to the person next to me. And people would say, “That Bret doesn’t seem to really fit in with this crowd but Bono likes him so he must be cool.” Then they’d also mention how it did seem like I had a good head on my shoulders and that in the long run my more responsible way of living would certainly pay off. That would be cool!
However, I’d like to make an observation for those of you who haven’t put as much thought into being friends with Bono. You know, because you might be granted a wish sometime by some tricky fellow (or fellette) and if you don’t phrase it carefully then you’re wish’ll end up backfiring on you. I could cite such great works of fiction as The Monkey’s Paw or DuckTales for proof, but just trust me.
If you wish for Bono to be your friend, make sure you specify that you can still have other friends. Despite what you may think it wouldn’t be cool because there are times when Bono would be busy. You’d go to his shows and he’d be all “Hey I’ve gotta go hang out with the band and get ready” and you’d be all like “Ok, I’m gonna go sit and read this flyer over and over.” And you wouldn’t have anybody to enjoy the show with. And although he’s a great lyricist, Bono is not a good listener.
In conclusion, “Yo Orcas, why you gots to be so opulent all the time? You crazy!”