No. No you cannot try on my glasses. You cannot join the multitudes of others who have caught me at more susceptible moments. I won’t stand for it anymore.
Here’s how it always goes:
OK, so I either decided to maybe rub the bridge of my nose or clean off my glasses on my shirt. At this moment you suddenly realized that “Wow, those aren’t attached to his head” and “I must now put them on MY face!” Then comes the real shock. You put them on and, lo and behold, you can’t see crap! Your eyes hurt! And this comes as a great surprise to you because apparently you were under one of the following assumptions:
- That my glasses are not prescription, that my eyes are actually perfectly fine, and that I obviously wear glasses to alter my physical appearance to my benefit. Perhaps I felt I needed to look more intellectual. Or perhaps without glasses I would be so attractive that I would be unable to walk down sidewalks in cities, towns or villages. Or perhaps without them I’m Superman.
- That my glasses are magical and they would automatically alter themselves so as to fit your eyes.
- That you had actually been living your life in relative blindness and that when you put on my glasses you would finally see all of the things that you’d been missing and that you would no longer have to sit in the front row of your classrooms, thus shedding your “teacher’s pet” image and propelling you to a new found level of popularity in school thus enabling you to finally attend the prom with the love of your life, Jon/Jen Smith.
Well, none of those are true. So if I gave you my glasses both of us would be sitting there blind and amazed. You would be blind and amazed because you’re stupid. I would be blind and amazed because you’re stupid.