So I’m sitting around drinking Hawaiian Punch, and it hits me. No, not that weird little dude that jumps out and punches people. He is just a cartoon, and cartoons can’t interact with people. The only exceptions would be Roger Rabbit and, if we’re lucky, his lovely wife Jessica. No, I had a revelation, and finally one that wasn’t all muddled with seven seals and a sign of the beast.
What I discovered during my time sipping that sweet “Fruit Juicy Red” was the defining difference between men and women. Yes, I know that this subject has been explored rather extensively by qualified people, but I figured I’d give it the old college try. Normally when I give things a college try it means that I look at it for a minute and then go play ultimate frisbee. This time was different.
At this point, you probably have noticed that I’ve spent way too much time bantering with myself, and you, the reader, are none the smarter for it. So here it is:
If a girl has a stalker, she thinks it is creepy, weird, scary and very not cool.
If a guy has a stalker it is most likely the best thing that has happened to him since somebody teed up a loaf and sent it curving sharply away from them. (Extra credit if you figure that one out on your own, answer is at the bottom)
This is THE biggest difference between the sexes. There is no other issue that separates men and women as widely. Throw away your books about candy companies and the skinnier Williams sister. With the possible exception of the difference in genitalia, stalking is the gender divide.
The one problem that I have right now is I have no idea what the hermaphrodite view on stalking is. This might stem in some small part to the fact that I’ve never met an openly hermaphroditic person and I only really know the term from watching movies that star Jamie Lee Curtis and having everybody in the room declare that God had a little trouble making up his mind when he put her together.
Here’s where I need the help of you. If you know any hermaphrodites or are yourself a hermaphrodite please email me (bret@tjmonkeys.com) with your feelings about stalkers. I’m so close to getting all of this sorted out. And remember, if anything is the coolest thing since anything, it’s the coolest thing since sliced bread.