OK, ladies. I’m onto you. I’ve figured out the secret to every Halloween costume a girl wears past the age of consent.
I mean, it’s tough for a guy to come up with a costume that’s clever and original and appreciated. This year, I reused a costume from my sophomore year of college, Captain Hook Up. That’s my own special twist on a pirate. It involves pick up lines, a bra taped to a hook and lipstick on my cheeks. And, yes, I realize I am far removed from sophomore year, and it may be time to go a little more sophisticated. Well, it ain’t happenin’, so stop your chastisin’.
My point is, guys have to come up with things that are more “out there.” Women just add the word slutty to the title of their costume, and BAM! Brilliance.
We’ve all seen a vast array of “slutty” costumes:
Slutty nurse;
Slutty schoolgirl;
Slutty military woman;
Slutty teacher;
Slutty librarian.
Hell, just turn on Cinemax after 10pm, and you’ll be bombarded with tons of ideas…or so I hear.
Occasionally, you’ll see the slutty prostitute. I call bullshit on that one based on the authority granted to me by the Department of Redundancy Department.
Soon we’ll see people really pushing the envelope. I’m sure Slutty Mother Teresa is only a couple years away.
The line must be drawn somewhere. I mean, what’s next? Slutty Condoleeza Rice?! Ooh. That’s hot.
[Author’s side note: I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.]
So, let’s make a deal. You stick to the old standbys. We men will be sufficiently drooly.
Just please, please, promise me no slutty Condy.
It just sounds dirty…