To the President of the Everyday Napkin Corporation,
I am writing to make you aware of a commercial campaign that could be extremely damaging to your company. While watching a rerun of the Simpsons today I saw a commercial advertisement for Bounty napkins that portrayed your product as quite inferior. It took handfuls of your napkins to clean up the messy kid whereas with only one of their more durable napkins the kid kept himself clean for the whole meal. The inferior napkins were clearly labeled “Everday Napkins!” It is important that we retaliate now! To this point it seems that you haven’t spent a lot of money on advertising. That has to change. You must respond to this advertisement!
I’ve done extensive work repairing the name of a little company named The Other Leading Brand, Inc. Oh yeah, TOLB, Inc was the whipping boy in every market, but I came and changed that! Their new slogan, “Is it any coincidence that we’re the major competitor in every market of every product? No, we’re that good. Unh.” The ‘unh’ doesn’t come out very well written, but it’s this great intimidating grunt kind of a noise. I wanted to follow it with “What you got, biotch?” but they thought that was going a little far.
In conclusion, sir, I just want to point out to you that advertising is an important part of the success of any business and that the sooner Everyday Napkins gives the public its side of the story the better. Unh. Like that Mofo.
Sincerely,