Crime is a funny thing. And that’s what we do here, have one-sided discussions about funny things. The ubiquitous “they” says crime doesn’t pay. But it could if criminals tweaked their operations just a bit. No, I haven’t solved all of the criminal worlds nagging snafus, but I have noticed a few things that might be helpful if you want to:
- Commit more and better crimes
- Prevent and/or foil crimes
- Learn intricacies of the English language
- See an example of a list
First, this one goes out to all my homies who own stores. I know you leave every light in your retail space in the “on” position all night hoping for the following situation:
Grimace: Damn, would you look at that! All the lights are on at Nash Bridge’s Leather Goods and Pet Supplies. There are no cars in the lot, but someone must be spending the night, perhaps shaving wood for the hamsters. We spent two nights casing the joint, all for naught. Drat, let’s retire to our respective abodes.
Hamburglar: Robble, I say, robble.
Spot anything wrong with this situation? Found the glaring Waldo of Idiocy in this powerful dramatization? No, Grimace is, in fact, a thrill seeking British Lord in addition to being the McDonald’s spokes-blob for, um, drinks? And the Hamburglar does do a mean Foghorn Leghorn impression in moments of disappointment. Yes, yes, the store is fictitious for legal reasons, but you’re missing the forest for the trees. In actuality, the situation would probably go a little something (beat) like this:
Grimace: Bully! They left the lights on at Nash Bridge’s Leather Goods and Pet Supplies. Now I can easily see where the fringed jackets are kept, and you, my becaped friend, can get that bobbing octopus for your gouramis.
Hamburglar: Robble, robble.
Moral of the story: Don’t leave your lights on. You’re not fooling anyone. Not even fast food icons. Although Birdie’s pretty dumb. But she hangs around with that Fry-Guy with glasses. And you just know he’s Mensa material.
But I digress.
If you are looking to get into crime, you should consider fencing. I don’t know much about, but I hear good things. Seems like burglars need fencers to get rid of their stolen goods. I suppose the fencers skewer the goods on epees or the like and roast them in the manner of kabobs. And then they sell the aforementioned kabobs out of vending carts on city streets. It’s the perfect crime. Goods, by way of kabobs, yields money.
Finally, for those of you who must dispose of corpses, consider stowing your cadavers on top of the car rather than in the trunk. My reasoning is twofold. First, as you drive, the wind will disperse the stench of decomposing flesh away from your car, rather than leave it to stagnate in your trunk for all eternity. If someone smells the stench before entering the car, you can easily cover with any or all of the following:
- “I wasn’t going to say anything, but I thought that was you.”
- “I moonlight as a hearse driver. My car moonlights as a hearse.”
- “Don’t worry, we’re in New Jersey.”
- Enter your own statement here “____________________________”
Second, you will force yourself to get rid of said body, rather than allowing yourself to procrastinate, endangering yourself and your Godfather. I think everyone would agree that we all need a little help with things like this. For instance, I keep my alarm clock across the room to force myself to wake up earlier. You may keep a dead guy on the roof of your car to force yourself to dump it in the river before racketeering or rocketeering. It all depends on your line of work.
I hope this will encourage you to examine crime in a new light and try to make the world a better and safer place for everyone. Including criminals.