I saw the weirdest statistic the other day. I read in a magazine that Americans fear public speaking more than they fear death. Actually, I’m lying. It was the second weirdest statistic. The weirdest statistic I ever heard was that there’s this guy in Pakistan who can swallow his own leg. Well, I guess technically that’s more of a fact than a statistic, but that’s for the lawyers for decide. But as I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself, people have an extremely warped conception of what to be scared about. This got me thinking about phobias, and I’ve come up with a list of some new ones that I think we’ll be reading about soon:
- ScottiePippenphobia – This is a paralyzing fear of Scottie Pippen. If you don’t think this is a valid fear, then take a picture of Scottie Pippen’s face, show it to an infant, and call me when you’re done.
- JerrySpringerphobia – This is a fear that your girlfriend will leave you for another woman, who is a midget and believes that grasshoppers will eventually rule Arkansas.
- P-diddyphobia – This is a fear of waking up one day and realizing that you officially changed your name to something completely stupid.
- VH1MTVphobia – This is a fear that MTV and VH1 actually will start playing videos again.
- Yadamnnearkilledtheboyphobia – This is a fear of being beaten close to death by a drunken step-father who is in a mentally and physically abusive relationship with your mother, who incidentally had you at 18.
- Butshesaidshewas18phobia – I think the name says it all in this one
- SPphobia – This is a paralyzing fear of Scottie Pippen when he is referred to by his initials. See above for rationale.
This list could go on forever, but I think you get the point by now (note: my use of the word “you” implies the collective you, not just you the reader. I feel that humanity should be stripped of its individuality and viewed as a collective mass without a defined identity, purpose, or soul. But I digress.). What I’m trying to say is that being afraid of something is stupid. We must learn to beat our fears if we wish to be truly righteous people. As the Danish philosopher Sorin Kierkegard once said, “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hatred. Hatred leads to suffering. This is the path to the darkside.” Wise words from a Great Dane. Wise words indeed.
Guest Columnist