Bisexuals. They live among us. They are our friends, our brothers and sisters, our uncles and aunts. Go to your grocery store; there will be a bisexual stocking selves. Visit your local library; a bisexual will check out your book for you. Get a Ph.D. in chemistry and then get a research position at an accredited university; your mass spectrometry data will largely be compiled…by a bisexual.
Especially if you’re focusing on organic or biometallic.
Yes, bisexuals surround us. Engulf us. We live in their world, and not vice-versa. And really, for the most part, they are good people. And a person’s sexuality is their own business. Really. If you like having the sex with women but also like having the sex with the men, fine. Your call. And whether I know that or not…who cares? Does it change how I feel about you? Not…in…the…least.
But.
I mean….
Don’t ya….
I dunno….
Don’t ya just kinda wanna know about some people?
Well, I do, and I have a method. A foolproof, hands-down, no-buts-about-it method to test whether a person is bisexual or not. You see, the way I figure it, bisexuals are, at their core, just really indecisive people.
I mean, us heteros and homos, we’re attracted to one sex or another. Period. We either like the men, or we like the women. We’ve made a decision, and we’re sticking with it. We’re the assertive people. We’re the people who get things done. We’re the people who, on car trips, say, “Let’s stop arguing and just stop at Wendy’s.” We…make…decisions.
Have some of us thought every now and then, “Hey, maybe, even though I clearly prefer this gender…maybe I’ll just…you know…maybe I might like the other one, too.” Sure! Sure we have! In our heads! But do we act on it? No! We’ve made a decision, and that’s that.
Now, bisexuals, on the other hand, these people just can’t make up their minds. One night it’s, “Hmm, I think I like men.” The next, “Nah, definitely women.” One night, it’s “Lord, I could go for a penis right about now!” And the next, it’s “I’m just gonna explode if I don’t see a vagina soon!” Flip, flop. Wishy, washy. Po-TAY-to, po-TAH-to. Here’s your cake, bisexuals, and yes, (sigh), you can eat it too.
So here’s the method: if you have a friend who you think may be bisexual, present them with several questions. If they answer them all quickly, no flinching, then they are clearly gay or straight. If they waffle, if they hesitate, even for a moment, they are, at least somewhat, bisexual. Examples:
“Hey Mark, do you think New York or San Francisco is the better city?”
“New York. Definitely.”
Mark –> not bisexual (and probably straight)“Hey Deborah, what do you think about Caroline in the City‘s Amy Pietz: is she hot, or just sort of slutty?”
“I think she’s pretty cute.”
Deborah –> not bisexual (and probably gay, though it was a loaded question)“Hey Isa, it’s thirteen blocks away, do you wanna walk there, or take a cab?”
“Um. I’m…I dunno. I guess, it’s close enough to walk, but then…I am tired. I dunno. I just don’t know. You decide.”
Isa –> bisexual (note the use of “um” to start out, hearing “um” from a bisexual is like hearing “tweet” from a bird)“Hey Sanders, do you like jazz?”
“Hmm…well…I have to say, I don’t know if you mean, I mean, are you referring to just ‘jazz’ jazz, you know, like straight-ahead, more early stuff, or in that theme, or would you include later, more experimental stuff? Because, I mean, that’s…well, which do you mean.”
Sanders –> bisexual (and the fact that follow-up questions were involved indicate he is a raging bisexual)“Hey Carla, you ready to go?”
“Uh…yeah.”
Carla –> bisexual (though she may not know it yet)
So you see, now you can tell for sure about all your friends. Finally, you will know. Our long national nightmare is over. Bisexuals of the world. We’re on to you. We know your game. We will soon know who each and every one of you are. Will we treat you any differently? Well, no. But we…will…know.
Anyway, that’s pretty much it. I guess, I’ll go ahead and end this Thought now. Well, or maybe I should talk a bit more about how to phrase the questions, or give a few more examples. Nah, I think I’ve pretty much explained it well, I’m ending it. But then…I suppose some more wouldn’t hurt…um….
“Um”?!! (gasp)!
If you’ll excuse me now, I apparently have to go sleep with a guy. (sigh). Them’s the rules….