So, I’ve been sick recently. Come down with a touch of the plague. Seriously. That’s what it’s gotta be ’cause I’ve been hacking up a lung every few minutes, and this has been going on for over two weeks now. I’ve never been this sick for this long in my life. And I’ve been on this here Earth for over a quarter century.
Curious about what the plague feels like? Well, it involves a sore throat, much coughing, a lot of nose blowing, some headaches, no sleeping and a right ear that hasn’t “popped” in days. It’s tough to listen in class when you can’t hear out of one ear. Hell, it’s tough with two good ears.
Typically, I’m not someone who goes to the doctor, but this illness was dominating my life, and I had to take action. Given my student status and university-issued insurance, I had to go to Health Services as the first step in any treatment. Sadly, I have yet to progress beyond the Health Services step, and, given the length of my under the weatherness, I’m less than confident in their “medical skillz.” That’s a technical term.
The first time I went to this so-called Health Services, the guy realized I had been in before. About a month before. With an unrelated problem. However, he tried to relate the two. Now, one was a bruised rib. My current affliction is flu or coldlike. Not sure how they relate, but the Nurse Practicioner I saw wanted to make a connection. I advised him that there probably wasn’t one. Not sure he was convinced.
The next problem resulted when I made the mistake of admitting to having a “history of asthma.” I believe I said I had an inhaler that I hadn’t used in recent memory and had allergy induced asthma growing up, which hasn’t really bothered me in years, unless I’m thrown into a pile of cats. Therefore, quite logically, I avoid piles of cats and old women who live alone. They tend to have a lot of cats. And lint-covered candy. Gross.
Anyways, now this NP has grabbed onto my asthma as the explanation for my health issues. So, he gives me a sample inhaler that he dug up in the back. Definitely confident in my treatment when free samples are the cure I’m offered. Needless to say, the inhaler appears to have done little to improve my condition.
Simultaneously, I’ve been taking Tylenol Sinus, both the day and night varieties. At some point, I switched over to the dualpack of Tylenol Cold. By the way, I love the day/night medicine combo pack. Finally, I don’t have to pick up two small boxes of caplets, but all my blister pack needs are fulfilled by one package. Whew. Those two boxes were confusing, not to mention heavy and unwieldy. Side note, unwieldy is an underutilized word. Other underutilized words include outlandish, shenanigans and vehicular. Feel free to employ them in your everyday interactions. You’ll sound smart. Or you’ll at least get the comment that the word you just used is underutilized.
Back to the issue at hand. Along with the sample inhaler, I was prescribed Robitussin with Codeine. I had already been taking Maximum Strength Robitussin, but I needed to step up to the big time and take the UberTussin prescribed. It did nothing for me. I kept coughing and still couldn’t sleep. Thanks, controlled substance. Big help you are. I’ll be sure not to distribute you to others since you seem oh so dangerous. ‘Bout as dangerous as Sour Patch Kids.
Oh, I forgot to mention, I was also referred to get a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia. It’s funny when during your whole visit the NP says you’ve just got allergies or something, but then at the end tells you to go get an x-ray just in case he’s missed pneumonia. That’s comforting. Really. It is. I swear. Luckily, I didn’t have pneumonia or strep. Great. WHAT DO I HAVE THOUGH?!?! I’ll trade you this knowledge about what I don’t have for some concrete diagnosis. Any diagnosis. For serious. Do we have a deal? No. Damn.
Needless to say the “throw everything at him and see if something sticks” approach did not heal me. So, as ordered, I returned to Health Services for a second appointment. This time I was prescribed another inhaler. Seriously, buddy. I don’t have asthma. Let it go. Additionally, I was prescribed antibiotics. Couldn’t this have been done a week ago when I first told you I was sick? These antibiotics seem to be the only thing making me feel any better. Or maybe it’s just that after two weeks this illness got bored. I mean, seriously, can anyone’s body be that much fun to spend all this time in?
Along with the second inhaler and antiobiotics, I was also told to pick up a decongestant. So, if you’re keeping count, that’s 137 medicines I’ve used to combat this unknown disease crippling my body. What’s annoying is that they’re rarely free, and I’ve spent the equivalent of four years tuition at an Ivy League school on all these medications.
I’m also supposed to go back to Health Services again for another follow up. I’m excited because the visits have been so beneficial to this point. I might vomit on the NP just to see what other sample he’ll drag out from storage to treat me.
Moral of the story: don’t get sick, especially if you’re a grad student at one of the premier medical universities in the world…and you’re poor…