Hey all you guys out there, who likes handshakes? Booooring! I’ve got a boffo idea to spice up meeting new people; gentle nipple tweaks! It’s fun, it’s safe, and it’s totally cool!
Now guys, I know what you’re thinking. “Dude,” you’re thinking, “I’m not touching some guy’s nipple I don’t know. That makes me uncomfortable.” Of course it does. Now! But we’re going to change all that, and for good reason.
You see, while there’s nothing really wrong with the handshake as it exists today, I know that as a culture, we can do better. The Japanese, for example, bow. They don’t touch at all. This was advantageous during the years of the Plague (when it is estimated tens of thousands of Europeans contracted and died from the Plague though handshakes*). In modern times, however, the Japanese have lost the ability to subtly detect who is married or engaged and the privilege of touching people who are vastly more attractive than you.
That’s right. Handshakes enable you to touch people who you’d otherwise never be able to touch. Why not up the ante? Here’s my plan, guys:
- Men begin greeting other men with gentle nipple tweaks. Women will, of course, reject this new form of greeting. But then…
- Women, in a bid for further equality between the sexes, will gradually embrace the gentle nipple tweak. Time will pass until…
- The gentle nipple tweak will become a universal and acceptable method of greeting. Men will gain an obvious advantage. Women will, too – one more step towards true gender equality.
If we all commit to this, guys, we can do it. Put your time in, and we will al reap the benefits. But don’t get greedy. Don’t go around molesting people – yet! Wait until the moment is right. Then show the world how friendly you are.
* Some historians have argued that the “death by handshake” as it has come to be known, led directly to the foul and unpleasant nature so often associated with the French. Modern science, however, has refuted this hypothesis, particularly since the discovery of the “snooty bitch” gene and its prevalence in the French genetic pool.