Um, hey everyone. Barry here. Barry Sigler. From the future? Yeah, uh, well, I just wanted to get a message out to everyone:
BEWARE OF THE FUTURE!
Hm, well, maybe “beware” is too strong a word. Uh, let’s try this:
BE WARY OF THE FUTURE!
Ehhh, naaah, that’s not quite right either. I think it should be more like:
HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THE OVERALL BENEFITS OF THE FUTURE!
I’m still not happy with that, but I’m gonna let it go, you know. Can’t get everything dead on. That’s something we learned in the future. That phrase “almost doesn’t count except in horseshoes and hand grenades” is totally dated. In the future, almost counts almost all the time.
Anyway, you know how like last week in your time, some people teleported like a radio wave or something? Well, eventually they’re gonna figure out how to teleport people. And it’s gonna look a lot like how Gene Roddenberry imagined it would, with the shimmery lights and sparkles and all. That’s not speculation. It’s proven fact. Well, it will be, anyway. It’s future fact.
Don’t get all excited just yet. Teleportation isn’t nearly as great as they make it out to be on the infosubliminal messages us future folks are subjected to. Sure you can travel really easily, although teleportation food still sucks and your molecules always get stuck between some fat guy’s molecules and a screaming baby’s molecules. And then your molecules have to pee, but that fat guy’s molecules are asleep in the aisle seat, so your molecules just have to hold it in until they nearly bust their vacuoles. And if enough of your molecules are riding in coach rather than first class, just imagine how you’ll feel when you get put back together. 5 times out of 7 fights break out between molecules when the first class molecules get to gloating about the mimosas and hot towels. You can lose up to 3% of your total body mass that way. We’ve done studies. Again, fact. Future fact.
I know what you’re thinking. Not necessarily because I’m psychic, but because I did a lot of research before I came back here to tell you all this. You’re thinking, “But in the future, I mean, even the future of the future this guy is talking about, in that future, they’ll be able to fix that problem with some sort of pill, so no big whoop.” Well, you’re wrong. Actually it’s a subcutaneous, time-release disc. Pills are a thing of the past. Except for Viagra. For some reason no one wanted to change Viagra into a subcutaneous time-release disc. Go figure.
So, yeah, we eventually get all that molecule stuff covered. But teleportation still isn’t all hot-house peaches and soy cream. Teleportation is far more dangerous than a few exploding molecules. Teleportation will decay humanity at its very core, sucker-punching us in the breadbasket of dignity.
Teleportation robs us of our right and ability to be late and make plausible and irrefutable excuses. No more traffic. No more getting lost. Oh, it sounds grand. But turn over that teleportation rock! Look at the sordid underbelly, see it from Barry’s point of view! No one is fashionably late anymore. Everyone is exactly on time, meaning also that no one is fashionable. A whole industry has crumbled! Thousands of jobs lost, and no more socially acceptable magazine covers with pretty girls. And with nowhere else to turn, women who would have been models have been forced to turn to porn, wrestling, or law.
How many great new places for lunch were discovered because someone was lost? “Oh, I took a wrong turn off of Alhambra Road and I found this great little seafood place. They had the best shrimp toast!” Well, nevermore! In the future, there aren’t any great places for lunch. Not a one!
What have we become? A punctual and bland society, whose minds have grown slothful and obese without the constant task of having to make up excuses. You think you’re fat and lazy now? Just you wait! Even though everyone in the future looks real hot on the outside, their minds are unfocused and distracted with new projects like how to best use the millions of people who want to volunteer for community service but have nothing to do now that everyone on the planet has food, shelter, and work.
So remember this message:
HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THE OVERALL BENEFITS OF THE FUTURE!
and think about everything you’ll be giving up in the name of “efficiency” and “the common good.”