I don’t see why everyone’s so up in arms about fudge packing. I mean, that’s my favorite part of working at this candy factory. Packing peanut brittle is just lame and I absolutely HATE packing marshmallows. Darn things squish so easily. But fudge packing? That’s my game, brother. I mean, I don’t wanna toot my own horn or anything, but ask anyone around here and they’ll tell you. I pack fudge like nobody’s business. In fact, around this place I’m pretty much known as the Fudge Packer. That’s what everyone calls me. “Hey, Fudge Packer, keep it up!” or “Yo, Fudge Packer, go easy on ‘em” or “Give it to me, Fudge Packer!” and they hold up their hand for a hi-five. And I give it to ‘em. Boy do I give it to ‘em!
Sure, anyone can pack fudge if they have some time and the inclination to learn. It’s not very complicated; just a series of simple motions repeated over and over again until you’re done. First you cut it into bricks, then you lay it down in rows, cover it with tissue paper, and over and over again until your box is full. Then you get start all over again with a different box. You can get about ten pounds in a box, the way I do it. You gotta ease into it, though, y’know? Don’t hurt yourself. I knew a guy got so excited he threw his back out packing fudge too hard his first time out. Ruined his whole week. It’s the bending over part that can kill you. “Use your knees, man”, I’d tell him. “Don’t put your back into it so much.” That’s a common amateur mistake, putting your back into it. And make sure you line everything up just right, so you don’t break anything. Just a few tips there to help you out. It takes endurance and patience to really do it right. And you gotta be safe about it, too. Make sure you have your protective hat on – wouldn’t want anything flying up and hitting you on the noodle! Wash well, be sanitary. Me, I wear rubber gloves. Better safe than sorry. That said, a safe and properly administered fudge packing is like nothing else on God’s green earth..
I understand you might be skeptical about taking my advice, I have a lot of experience with this stuff. I mean, A LOT. I pack fudge morning, noon, and night. Just really have a penchant for it, y’know? It’s practically second nature to me by now. I mean, I’ve been known to try to pack fudge in my SLEEP, if you can believe that. In fact, see Steve over there? I pack HIS fudge all the time. He’s a lazy so-and-so, so I help him out. Sometimes he packs mine, too. But mostly I’m packing Steve’s fudge. A lot of the time he doesn’t even ask me. I just volunteer, or even just pack his fudge when he’s not looking! I can’t get enough!
I think that’s really what separates me out from the pack here. The love. A lot of people do it, but how many folks really LOVE it? I mean, REALLY love it? A deep, penetrating love of fudge packing. That’s what I have. A deep, penetrating love. For me it’s way more than a job. To be perfectly honest, I have a lot of misgivings about accepting money for all the fudge packing I do. Money for fudge packing? I mean, I’d do it anyway. You can’t separate a man from his passion just because his shift ends, y’know? You’re packing that fudge, someone’s enjoying it, and THAT’S what it’s about. This one time I got a call at home, some lady needed me to pack her fudge right there in her house. So I said, “Sure, I’ll be right over.” And I went, and did it and she paid me. But it felt kinda off, y’know? Pay me to stock jawbreakers, sure. Or take inventory of the licorice. Man, is THAT ever dull. But money for fudge packing? Something about that makes me feel dirty. But hey, it’s everyone’s dream to be paid for what they love to do. So I won’t look my gift fudge in the box. I’ll just pack more fudge than ever before. Maybe even set a fudge packing record!
Man, I could go on and on and on and on about fudge packing (obviously!) You’re probably bored stiff! Well, the only thing better than talking about it is actually DOING it, in my opinion. So I’m gonna get back to work. Fudge packing. Gonna pack fudge ‘til I’m sore and chafed, then have me a cigarette. It’s always the most satisfying that way.
Ah, life!