Hey Roland. You’re probably surprised to see your close friends and family all gathered here in your living room. We’re here because, well, we’re intervening, or, um, we’re giving you an intervention. Er, that sounds weird. This whole thing? This whole operation is an intervention. I’m not really sure how to use the verb form of the word. Whatever, it doesn’t matter.
We’re here because for a while now you’ve been telling everybody that you’re an idiot-savant. Well, that’s just not true now is it? Roland, you’re just. well, you’re just an idiot. That’s all, just a plain, simple idiot. There’s nothing special about you. You don’t possess any ‘savant’ qualities. Thurman, would you please?
Uh oh, Thurman just spilled almost a whole box of toothpicks on the floor. How many toothpicks spilled out Roland? You can’t even venture a guess? Wow. No, there are way more than twenty-five toothpicks. No, don’t get down and count them, you’re missing the point.
What’s the square root of 2,130?
No? What’s the square root of 25?
(sigh)
The point is that you don’t possess any exceptional ability with numbers, you were never even any good in your math courses at school. You don’t possess any of the characteristics of an idiot-savant. You can’t quote extended stretches of dialogue from TV or movies.
Well, first of all quoting one line of “Tommy Boy” doesn’t impress me at all. Secondly, the line is “Did I catch a niner in there?” not “Did I catch a nine in there?” The joke wouldn’t even make any sense your way.
You can’t count cards. You’re no pinball wizard. You possess no extraordinary qualities. The only thing that I can think of that you’re even mildly good at is foosball, and that’s only when you’re playing 2 on 2 and you’re the defensive player.
I mean, it’s just embarrassing. For goodness sakes, your cousin Jim Heckman is a legitimate genius! He won the Nobel Prize for economics!
So, no more pretending, Ok? Or else, none of us are gonna talk to you or anything. So can we have our old regular idiot friend back?
(sigh)
It’s 5 Roland. The square root of 25 is 5.