Gather round, children! I tell a tale of magic and wonder! I ask you to open up your face and use that most magical of your inborn gifts: your imagination.
Let us ask the most wondrous of all questions: What if…?
Today, we specifically ask: What if Old Navy…were a slaughterhouse?
Imagine!
Why, many things would stay the same, children, if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse. It’s true!
For example, if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse, there’d still be bargains a plenty! But instead of getting, say, a fleece parka for $16, you’d get eight pounds of ground veal. That’s just $2 a pound, children! Veal burgers every night! If Old Navy were a slaughterhouse.
If Old Navy were a slaughterhouse, there would still be a vest section, where you could buy vests of any size, design, and color. But the vests would be made of delicious salted, cured pork!
And if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse, there would still be the same commercials on TV. Yes, the same Old Navy commercials we all love would remain. We’d all still laugh and rejoice when they appeared on our screens, happily breaking the monotony of our lives with their tongue-in-cheek wit and colorful dialogue. So fear not, children, if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse, the Old Navy commercials would remain.
It’s just that Morgan Fairchild would be replaced by a large side of beef ribs with a sign on it that read “Morgan Fairchild”. And Magic, the Old Navy dog, would eat those ribs. And we would laugh and laugh, imagining that Magic were actually eating Morgan Fairchild herself. Yes, we could all safely entertain our deep-seeded cannibalistic Morgan Farichild fantasies, if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse.
There would still be coats and scarves to keep you warm, if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse. In fact, every single winter garment would be filled to the brim with nature’s best insulator. And what is that? Well, friend, what do you think keeps the animals warm? That’s right: their own fat. Every jacket, every pullover, every sweatshirt, would be filled with gobs and gobs of animal fat. Snuggle up on those cold winter night with your loved ones, and some fresh slabs of dripping, oozing, dee-lightful fat! Oh, how warm and cozy we’d be! Do your worst, Old Man Winter, you’d do us no harm, if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse!
Now, to be fair, if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse, sure, there would be the everpresent screams of dying pigs and cows being cut into pieces by rotating knives. But they would be largely drowned out by the constant ringing of the cash registers! Because products would be flying off the shelves, if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse!
And I should mention, if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse, you could still find all the latest cloth- and polysester-based fashions. Oh yes, make no mistake, children: there’d still be regular clothes at Old Navy, if it were a slaughterhouse. You’d find shirts and sweaters, pants and socks, hats and boxers. But you’d be forced to sift through mounds of gristle and bloodied pig stomachs to get to them.
Yes, articles of cloth- and polyester-based clothing would be strewn aside like so much offal. Because that’s how unimportant they would be. Regular clothes would lose meaning, if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse. Why punish your body with rigid, unfeeling, man-made cloth and polyester, when you could be covered head to toe in a delicate proscuitto wrap? Why, you could have the finest of Italian aged hams caressing every inch of your skin, if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse! Only the finest Italian dishes are topped or wrapped with thin slices of proscuitto, while almost no fine Italian dishes are wrapped in cloth and even less in polyester. Treat your body, right, children! Wrap it in animal flesh! You would! Were Old Navy a slaughterhouse!
O wouldn’t it be glorious, if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse? How I long for that day: when I could rub my body with calf’s liver in public, when I could watch a live sheep slaughtered as I tried on jeans, when I could see a dog eat Morgan Fairchild on network television. All this would be possible, if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse!
We can now answer the question, children! What if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse?
The answer is: if Old Navy were a slaughterhouse, we could finally have a single retail chain that would sell every animal-based clothing product that the world cries for, begs for.
Except fur coats.
If Old Navy were a slaughterhouse, it would not sell fur coats or any fur products.
Because fur is murder.