On September 3, 2000, Cindy Carton, 6, wrote an essay for her 1st grade class on what she wanted most in the world. Ms. Carton felt she would most like “a new Barbie, everyone being all happy and stuff, and a Federal Reserve that adopts a wait-and-see attitude before arbitrarily cutting interest rates to appease Wall Street” and indicated she fully expected to receive a Barbie “from Santa.” Concerned about the ramifications of this expectation, Ms. Carton’s teacher, Sandy Wainwright, 29 for the third time, summoned authorities.
Upon further questioning by FBI agents, Ms. Carton revealed that it was her understanding that Christmas was a time during which you were given anything you wanted. When pressed she revealed that the “Santa” she referred to was one Mr. Santa Claus of the North Pole. Concerned at Mr. Claus’ alleged role in the promotion of rampant commercialism from his luxurious arctic tax shelter, the FBI reported his activities to the Attorney General.
At the request of the President, the Attorney General announced the formation of the Special Taskforce on Unusual People and Irritating Dwarves (STUPID) which would investigate the dealings of Mr. Claus and his cadre of dimunitive laborers. On September 18, 2000, federal agents raided Santa’s “workshop” and confiscated several tons of toys in various states of completion. In addition, numerous off-shore bank accounts were frozen by INTERPOL in a concerted effort to shut down Mr. Claus’ global operation. In a press conference that same afternoon, the Attorney General stated, “For years now, the true meaning of Christmas has been obscured by the efforts of Mr. Santa Claus. Through his efforts, Christmas has become a greed-filled celebration of commercialism and lost sight of its origins. The United States has determined that this will stop and has a warrant for the arrest of Mr. Claus.” When asked by reporters what the _true_ meaning of Christmas was, the Attorney General appeared flustered and finally responded, “No comment.”
On November 24, 2000, CIA agents in coordination with US Special Forces raided an elf training camp in Siberia. Armed with AK-47s and supported by Apache gunships, the agents captured Mr Claus as well as 16 elves and 8 tiny reindeer. According to a spokesman for the Pentagon, Mr. Claus set up the elf camp in Siberia reasoning that only in Russia would a fat, bearded man in winter clothing appear incongruous. The spokesman also apologized for disruptive raids at US malls in 36 cities that resulted in the shooting deaths of 28 Claus impersonators. He also acknowledged that the hijacking of a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade floatby paid Cuban CIA operatives was initiated because of mishandled intelligence information. The spokesman reiterated the need for all Americans to forget the corruptions of Santa and “remember what Christmas is all about.” He did not elaborate.
On December 2, 2000, the case of United States v. Claus was argued. Representing the defense was Andy Griffith who was selected after Mr. Claus determined that Raymond Burr was “probably dead.” The trial was covered extensively in the media and dubbed, “The fight to save the real meaning of Christmas.” The trial was marked by numerous dramatic moments. In a surprising opening move, the prosecution called the Easter Bunny to the stand. The witness had been offered immunity from prosecution stemming from allegations of his own corruption of Easter. Defense attorney Griffith succeeded in forcing 6 witnesses to confess to several different murders apiece, but was not able to prove Mr. Claus innocent of promoting commercialism. In a final dramatic move, the prosecution elected to show “A Charlie Brown Christmas” – long renowned for its scathing attacks on the commercialism of Christmas. Mr. Griffith responded by screening “A Muppet Christmas,” several episodes of Murphy Brown, and a movie in which a man dressed as Santa is a homicidal maniac in a move criticized by Claus supporters as “probably not a good idea.”
Mr. Claus was found guilty three days later and the case was immediately appealed to the United States Supreme Court. Arguments were heard and in an unusual step Mr. Claus was called to testify before the justices. As Mr. Cluas took the stand, a confused Chief Justice Rehnquist immediately climbed into his lap and requested a bicycle. After Justice Souter coaxed Justice Rehnquist back to the bench with a cookie, questioning commenced. The turning point was reached when Mr. Claus was asked by Justice Thomas how he could justify his corruption of the Christmas holiday. Mr. Claus responded with a question of his own: “I’ll tell you that if you can explain to me what the REAL meaning of Christmas is supposed to be?” Unable to respond, Justice Thomas instead asked if Mr. Claus would examine his Coke can and comment on anything unusual he might find. Mr. Claus declined.
On December 21, 2000, Justice Ruth Ginsberg delivered the verdict of the court and overturned the lower court’s conviction. Justice Ginsberg, writing for the Court, established that the United States had failed to prove that Mr. Claus had “faked the funk.” She then explained how “in whacked out situations” the Court could use the “funk test” to determine culpability. Legal scholars have often remarked at the unusual terminology employed by Justice Ginsberg but have generally felt that her recent involvement in a censorship case involving hardcore gansta rap may have influenced her vocabulary. This was confirmed when in a later dissent she referred to the remaining 8 justices as “all my niggas.”
On December 22, 2000, Mr. Claus held a press conference announcing that, with his recent exoneration, he would continue to deliver presents to the children of the world… except for Jews. They were still on their own. When asked how he felt about obscuring the true meaning of Christmas, Mr. Claus replied, “Hey, who knows what the true meaning of Christmas is? It’s probably obscured in centuries of history and thousands of overlapping traditions and myths. It’s better off just accepting my version of things and enjoying the egg nog.” At this point, an unidentified bearded man in a robe and sandals pounded his head against a wall repeatedly before ascending to heaven in a bright white light muttering, “I bet everyone will remember the meaning of Christmas when big fireballs are flying out of heaven and levelling major cities….” Sources at the press conference were unable to identify the man although one guy thought it might have been George Lucas.
Merry Christmas.