On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree…which was nice. I mean, I like pears as much as the next guy. Thing is, partridges remind me of The Partridge Family, which reminds me of Danny Bonaduce, and Danny Bonaduce scares me. A lot. I have a seriously unnatural fear of the man. Nonethless, it’s the thought that counts, and, hell, they’re really good pears.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two turtle doves…and a partridge in a pear tree. Huh, didn’t she give me a partridge in a pear tree on the first day? Weird. Um, but the doves are cool, I guess. Except, they keep fighting with the partridges. And for some reason they fly really slow.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three French hens, two turtle doves…and a partridge in a pear tree. Anyone need any frickin’ pears? Enough already, you know? It’s getting to the point where I have a partridge for each Partridge Family member. Talk about scary. Then again, the hens are nice ’cause I do love me an omelette every now and again. Of course, they’re a bit snooty, and they only let me eat brie with their eggs. I’ll adjust.
On the fourth day of Christmas…hold on. Isn’t Christmas only one day? Did you get the foot massager I sent you? ‘Cause that was all I got. I, I wasn’t aware of the twelve day thing. But, thanks, for, um, what is this now? Oh, right:
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves…and a partridge in a pear tree. I’ve got a whole gosh darn aviary at this point. It’s really amazing. Problem is these damn calling birds have relatives all over the country, and what with it being the holidays and all, they’re running up my phone bill something awful. Maybe on the fifth day my true love will get me a prepaid calling card. That would rule (hint, hint).
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves…and a partridge in a pear tree. Now this I can handle. Five golden rings. That’s fantastic. I might even sell a couple to pay off the phone bill. By the way, does anyone like pear juice? I have 3 barrels full.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves…and a partridge in a pear tree. Cool. More rings. Now I’ve got one for each finger. And more egg-producing fowl. I thought this might be a problem, but it turns out the geese were German, so they invaded the French hen house. The French hens quickly surrendered and set up a Vichy hen regime. They’re a lot less snooty now.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves…and a partridge in a pear tree. I’m really starting to doubt whether this woman is my true love at all. I like having pets and everything, but I would’ve preferred a puppy or maybe a couple goldfish. The swans have taken over my bathtub. I haven’t showered in days. I’m covered in bird poo. Someone please send help.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves…and a partridge in a pear tree. OK, I’m pretty sure there’s something unethical about giving me maids a milking. I’m going to have the ACLU or INS or someone on my ass any minute now. On the upside, now I have some women to give all these extra golden rings too. I couldn’t fit them on my toes.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me nine ladies dancing, eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves…and a partridge in a pear tree. So, yeah, there’s no music, but these girls just keep spinning around to what’s playing in their heads. The maids are pretty pissed that they have to work while the ladies get to just flit around. I might have a strike on my hands. Til then, I’ve got plenty of glorious cow juice to consume. Wish I had something to dunk in it. Try something that rhymes with Florios or maybe mockolate mip mookies.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love have to me ten lords a leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves…and a partridge in a pear tree. Man, these guys can jump. They kicked my butt all over the basketball court. At least now the ladies have someone to dance with though. They were wearing me out. Still no music…and no OREOS. Plenty of milk…and pears.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eleven pipers piping, ten lords a leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves…and a partridge in a pear tree. Not sure what’s in the pipes, but finally someone’s munching on all these pears. It’s about time.
On the twelth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves…and a partridge in a pear tree. Finally a beat for the dancers to dance too. What’s really freakin’ me out though is that “Danny” the partridge stole a drum, and he’s playing it. It’s creepy.
Yeah, um, so that’s it I guess then. Twelve drummers drumming, twenty-two pipers piping, thirty lords a leaping, thirty-six ladies dancing, forty maids a milking, forty-two swans a swimming, forty- two geese a laying, forty golden rings, thirty-six calling birds, thirty French-Vichy hens, twenty-two turtle doves and twelve partridges in pear trees.
Sweet Lord. What were you thinking?! We are so broken up.
By the way, I’ll be having a garage sale in the early spring. Check out the pipers.
They’ve got some good stuff, and it comes cheap…