Hi there, Ken is it? Hi, Ken. Can I have your attention for a minute? Great, thanks. You’ll thank me later.
Remember just before when you told that guy that you “could care less”? You do? Great. Let’s travel back to that moment. When you said that, your buddy over here, Paul? Paul here was telling you about his endless search for the perfect wrapping paper for his girlfriend’s Christmas present. True or false? That’s right, true. Now, do you, in fact, care at all about Paul’s wrapping paper dilemma? You can be honest, I won’t judge you. No, no you don’t. Good, I don’t either. But what you said was you “could care less”.
Could you, Ken? Could you care less? Search you soul, it won’t belie you. I’ll tell you what I think, Kenny my boy. I think you couldn’t care less. You see, because if you could care less, you’d care, even if only a smidgen, you’d care. And you don’t care, do you Ken? No, as we covered earlier, no you don’t. Couldn’t care less, Ken. Couldn’t.
No, Paul, that’s a fair point; with the correct intonation, it is possible he said “could care less” employing sarcasm. But why, Paul? Why would he do that? Well, first of all he clearly lacked the proper intonation. But let’s say, hypothetically, he exhibited said tone. Why would he do that, Paul? Why might you do that, Ken? Any idea? Oh, don’t be coy. Ok, it was a trick question. There is no reason to employ sarcasm in this situation. While the phrase “could care less” used with sarcasm is mean, the phrase, “I couldn’t care less” is both mean and sincere. The combination is highly potent. Additionally, sarcasm is best employed when it will make the receiver feel worse than if he or she had received a straightforward answer. For example:
Joey: Hey Sally, will you go to the prom with me?
Sally: Nope.
Joey: Darn. I’m disappointed, but I’ll ask Kaitlyn. Perhaps she’ll want to go with me.Or
Joey: Hey Sally, will you go to the prom with me?
Sally: Oh, gee, I’d love to but I have a policy of not being seen with ambiguously-gendered retards. Sorry.
Joey: Well. Good thing I made that noose this morning…
See guys? That was effective use of sarcasm. Using it in your own instance would be not only a mistake, but a huge waste of precious comic and literary resources.
Well, Ken, Paul, thanks so much for your time. I hope you learned something today. You did? Great. And Paul, just use newspaper. I’m sure your girlfriend couldn’t care less. Wink