Ladies and gentlemen, I about to attempt a feat never before attempted in print medium. No writer before me, good or bad, has even attempted what I am about to do here, before your very eyes. What I am about to do will astound you, will amaze you, will leave you gasping on the ground like so many grunion writhing on the sand. You may even mate by moonlight in an orgy of thousands. Prepare, my friends, to be HYPNOTIZED IN PRINT
First: induce a state of deep, relaxed sleep:
Welcome to the Technical Manual 3010CX. Be sure to fill out your warrantee card for an additional 3 hours of complete service. Before we begin, please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the basic components of the Technical Manual 3010CX.
Please thoroughly review the directions before utilizing your Technical Manual 3010CX.
Step 1: To begin place the Technical Manual 3010CX on a flat surface at a position approximately 7 inches from your face and nearly perpendicular to your eye, with the arrow in the lower-left hand corner facing up. Be sure that the black line in the upper mid-center of the left side is not blurry. In the event that it is blurry, consult the Troubleshooting section at the end of this manual or call the Help Line (Available 4AM-4:30AM EST) . You may move either the Technical manual 3010CX or your own head. However, it is advisable to move the manual, as neck injuries can result.
Step 2: Place your index finger on the gray dot in quadrant B6 of the Manual. Do not confuse this with the splotch in quadrant B6 intended for advanced use only (consult section XI of the Advanced Techniques section of this manual for more). With your finger at a forty-five degree angle, push away from the edge of the page using 0.02 Newtons of force. The page should form an inverted teardrop with itself, with your finger approximately three inches from its original position. At this point, lift your finger from the page. The page should unfurl away from your hand, resulting in exposure of the back of the paper you had been touching and the top portion of the next sheet (Illustrated in Figure 1 of your reference card). If your Technical Manual 3010CX does not closely resemble the depiction in Figure 1, repeat Step 2. Consult the Help Line for additional guidance.
Step 3: Making sure the blue arrow is facing left, begin at the upper left corner of the right hand sheet. Read each line carefully, proceeding from left to right until the end of the line then proceeding one line below on the left hand side of the right hand sheet. Do not skip any words or letters. For more in-depth instruction, see Appendix A (Please do not consult the Help Line with inquiries of this nature)…
Now that you are in a deep, relaxed state of sleep, open your mind to suggestion. Unlock the deep recesses of your psyche, and listen to my voice. When you wake, you will have an enhanced ability to sense urgency in others. You will know when they are late, when they desire very much to be somewhere else, when they really need to pee. The triggering of this new hyper-sense will cause you to halve the speed of whatever it is you are doing. You will stroll along a busy street. You will fumble for exact change. You will take your sweet-ass time at the copy machine. You will do all this under a blanket of self-centered ignorance that no one can rightly blame you for. And you will do it…
NOW! Come on, get up! Yo’ mama’s so stupid, she takes all idioms literally! Generic SNAP!
Welcome back, everyone! You have just been on a journey though your mind, your mental state forever altered by the fabric of my craft. Don’t worry, you are in good company. For all who have or will come this way will be similarly affected. You will know who they are whenever you’re late for dinner, whenever a deadline zips closer, whenever you’ve had a few and you really gotta go.