Hello loyal readers. You may have noticed that as of late my Thoughts seem to be rife with italics. If you have, score yourself twenty points! If not, try again. Perhaps you’re wondering what the deal is with that. “What’s your deal?” may be one of your own thoughts. “What’s your deal?” may be another. If you are wondering, score yourself ten points. If not, no points. Well, here’s my deal:
You might believe that I use italics in order to guide your reading. That I use them to force you to “hear” my words in your mind in the exact way (and therefore funniest possible way) that I hear them. That I stifle your ability to creatively read.
Well, nothing could be further from the truth. I don’t want to control you. It’s much more satisfying to have you genuinely like me. This was a central problem with Stalin. He forced everyone to like him and was he happy? No. He was very unhappy. Unhappy to the point of genocide. We can all agree this is never a good way to be.
No, I merely want to make the whole experience more pleasurable for you. You. I want the Thought to be visually as well as intellectually stimulating and to put a new angle on things. Ok, I apologize for that, but it was staring me in the face. Also, italics help you keep your place. I’ll be the first one to admit my Thoughts can get pretty longwinded and rambling. Isn’t it nice to have slanty words to guide you back when your eye naturally wanders towards the cute little monkey on the upper left hand of your screen.
So, far from imposing my comedic will upon you, I am merely trying to make the whole experience better for you, the reader, the heart (and, dare I say, soul) of this cyperplace better. So there, perhaps you thought I was being a big pompous jerk. “What a big pompous jerk!” you may have thought. If you did, skip a turn. If not, double your next score! Well, I hope that I have proven you wrong (if you skipped a turn) or right (if you just doubled your score!).
Ed. Note: Two words: Bull. Shit.