Yeah, so I’ve got no job. For starters I might as well go ahead and say (as I do to everyone these days) that if you’ve got a job laying around and you want to give it to me, that’d be cool. I’d be most appreciative.
Ok, no seriously. Really need a job here, writing for the site isn’t really pulling in the hundreds of thousands of dollars that I had planned. Not yet.
The problem with being unemployed is that you’ve got nothing to do. When you’ve got nothing to do, that means that you’ve never got anything better to do. When you’ve got nothing better to do, you’re in a very vulnerable situation. Suddenly your friends can become very dangerous people.
It starts out simply, just helping somebody move from one apartment to another. But then things get more nefarious.
“Hey Bret, you doing anything weekday afternoons? No? Oh that’s great, I just have a small favor to ask. See, I accumulate trash in my apartment and it would really help me out if you could stop by every day and bag that trash and throw it out for me. That is, if you’re not doing anything.”
“Hey Bret, small favor to ask here, but as long as you’re free. I’m gonna pass a kidney stone sometime this week so if you could come by every time I need to pee and massage my shoulders and kind of talk me through it? That’d be awesome. That is, if you’re not doing anything.”
“Hey Bret, heard you weren’t up to much lately. As you may or may not have heard Johnny Brickhands placed a bet with me on the Steelers game last week. Well he hasn’t paid up and I’m gonna have to have him killed. Unfortunately I’m tied up all week roughing people up so if you could whack Johnny for me that’d be great. Yeah, you can use the shotgun in my foyer. That is, if you’re not doing anything.”
So I’d like to take this opportunity to notify everyone that knows me that even though I’m unemployed I’m really, really busy. Yeah, I’ve been doing a lot of, um, stuff. Yeah, big stuff. Huge stuff. Stuff that takes up all my time. But not too much time that I couldn’t get a job. Recap: If you’ve got a job for me, I’m all ears. Otherwise, humongous stuff.