In the ongoing struggle between me and the modern American language, I turn my attention today to the very popular and overused “quotation” marks. As with anything, too much of this “good” thing really gets on my nerves, not only because it’s become all “popular” (and hence a legitimate target of my ire) but because popularity leaves with it any significant knowledge of proper usage. It’s similar to slap bracelets, which, when at the height of their popularity, were used increasingly for slitting wrists rather than the intended wrist decoration. Then they disappeared, depriving the rest of us of their slappity fun. So the way I see it, I am merely trying to save the quotation marks before people begin sharpening the ends and using them as blow darts.
The rampant use of quotation marks creates confusion for people who actually know how to use them. True, many people don’t know (or care) how to use them. And that’s fine for them. But for the rest of us, whose burden it is to live in constant fear of the MLA, the Gemini of the Grammar Zodiac has reached a karma-skewing point.
Quotation marks can be used to denote a couple of things. Most people know to use quotes to indicate the direct and exact words used by another. The problem comes, however, when people start to use quotation marks for emphasis. This is why the MLA created underlining, italics, and bold. Not punctuation, it’s true, but still fun. When one uses quotation marks to surround a word that is not, well, a quote, it has come to mean, in most circles, that the meaning is somewhat not what the word means without the quotation marks. For instance, in my first paragraph here, “good” does not mean good. It means, “not actually good, but using the word good helps emphasize my point that it is not good, while adhering to the pattern I devised in the beginning of that sentence.” Additionally, “quotation” in my first paragraph shold just be quotation, because I really did mean quotation marks and not “quotation” marks. See?
Let me try to put this in a better context. I passed a dry cleaners with a sign in the window reading:
We use “nontoxic” chemicals!
So, do they actually use toxic chemicals? Because that’s no good. Or do they use nontoxic chemicals but are stupid? That’s no good either. But of course, I’ll never know since they used quotation marks incorrectly
Ok, so this issue may seem trivial, but it’s just a matter of time before labels read:
Side effects “may” include headaches, dizziness, or “death”.
Plus, I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to get hit in the neck with a curare quotation mark. Because then they’d take the quotation marks away and we’d have to paraphrase everything. What a bitch that’d be!