Boom!
It’s July 4th, everyone! American Independence Day!
Fsssssst!
What better way to celebrate this most American of days than to blow things up!
Craaackle-Screee!
Go ahead, blow up those rockets! Made in America by Americans so that other Americans can blow the crap out of ’em until 2:30 in the morning, whether it’s legal or it ain’t!
Shhheeeeeooooo Crunk!
So what if the Chinese invented ’em. Good. Even better. Lighting fireworks is like blowing up pinkos. Damn fun and totally 100% American! I dunno which feeling is better, lighting 10 bottle rockets on the 4th or racking up 10 kills on a 4 day tour of duty.
Ack ack ack ack ack!
So what if most states have outlawed firecrackers. Good. Even better. Sam Adams and the Sons of Liberty didn’t live by the rules either, and if they had, man, we’d still be payin’ that damned stamp tax. Light a fuse and re-enact the war. It’s history made combustible, cuz!
Wooooooo Pop!
Is it a coincidence that both the British and the Commies wore red? Brother, you gotta be some kinda naive to believe that one. That’s why most good American fireworks are red! To get you motivated, make you really think about what it is you’re blowin’ up. Otherwise, it’s just senseless violence. That shit has no place in America
Ka Blam
Author’s Note: On this Independence Day, I’m exercising my freedom to lampoon an American tradition. I hope you had a chance to exercise your freedoms. Otherwise they get fat and lazy and they’ll never fit in their tuxedos. Happy Fourth of July!