I realized very recently that I have an inferior father. It’s sad but true. All these years I thought I had an adequate father, but now I realize, no, he’s inferior.
I don’t know why I never saw it before. I mean, every year I search far a Fathers Day card, and every year I end up settling with some vaguely appropriate one. But the fine people at Hallmark have been trying to get this message through. And I finally got it. Loud and clear. And it goes a little something like this:
Dear Son of a Father:
Please answer the following questionnaire:
Does your father:
Sit on his butt all day and watch TV?
Play golf?
Unsuccessfully try to fix things around the house?
Reluctantly give you money when you ask for it?If you answered “no” to all of these questions, we feel very, very sorry for you.
We at Hallmark make cards for superior fathers. If you can’t find a card that suits your father, that is, one that refers to one of the abovementioned items, well, then maybe you need to take a good hard look at that guy. Maybe you need find a different role model. Perhaps get to know an uncle or a friend’s father. Pose as an orphan and write to celebrities in the hopes that they’ll adopt you. Just do something and do it quick. But the guy you’ve been wasting your time with all these years, just get rid of him.
But I don’t think I’m gonna get rid of my Dad. I mean, I’ve put all this time in. And I’m way too stubborn to admit it’s all been for naught. Besides, what kind of example would I be setting for my kids. Because their dad probably won’t sit on his ass all day and watch TV, won’t play golf, won’t even try to fix stuff, and won’t give them any money even when they ask for it.
Happy Fathers Day