Aliens. Oh, they’re out there. Ask the Scientologists. They’ll tell you. Find the people who buy Clamato juice (a “refreshing” blend of tomato and clam juices). They’re alien clone spies. Look at Carrot Top! Need I say more?
But what do aliens look like? I mean, really look like. Their true form, without taking human shape or posing as fire hydrants. Hollywood has its numerous ideas, from Star Wars to Star Trek, E.T. to Independence Day, Earth Girls Are Easy to 2001: A Sex Odyssey, and everything in between. For the most part, the aliens in these films have those same basic humanoid features, i.e. heads, arms, legs, eyes, breasts, that make them recognizable to us as sentient beings and portrayable by actors. But what does probability have to say about all of this? The answer: enough to maybe help save the world.
Point 1: With the billions and billions of stars that we have identified, there must exists millions and millions of planets on which thousands and thousands of forms of life exist. Probability says: We are not alone in the universe.
Point 2: With all of this other life in the universe, it is highly unlikely that much of it is humanoid, i.e. has heads, arms, legs, eyes, and breasts. Some of it, sure. Most of it, no. In fact, with all the permutations of what and alien could look like, we surely won’t even be able to recognize most of them. Like what if there’s an alien that most closely resembles what we would call the smell of vanilla. Is someone baking cookies, or are we being invaded? We’ll never know! They could look (or smell) like anything. Or nothing… Probability says: Aliens are really weird
Point 3: The library of possible alien forms is infinite. That means the probability of you being able to guess what one looks like (and from now on, “looks like” is equivalent to “how it could be perceived by you in any way”) is practically zero. So the instant you imagine what form an alien might take, chances are no alien will ever exist in that form. Probability says: If you think it, it won’t come.
So how will this help save the world? Well, if everyone would just take a few minutes of their day and think of the worst possible alien you could come up with, and poof! Gone! You don’t have to worry about them infiltrating your bath towels. If enough people take this simple precaution, we can eradicate millions of evil alien possibilities. Hey, I know we’ll never get rid of them all. Probability says so. But at least we can make a dent.
Don’t think of nice aliens, though, like huge gentle invisible clouds that sweat happiness.
Damn.