I’m not so sure about this recent call from the President to rally ’round the ol’ red, white and blue.
I mean, I am all for patriotism and supporting the colors, but in this time of war we need to be a little more focused, I would think. But, hey, I’m not one of those Commie lovin’ bastards like Alger Hiss, Benedict Arnold, Madonna or the cast of “What’s Happening?” So I am doing my best to show my support for the red, white and blue.
I eat a lot more cheese now and bottled water. I act like I know a lot about wine and I disdain random brands and vintages. For example, I praise Chateau du Grape ’78 while deriding Crepe Suzette ’63 as only a step above bat urine (a very small step). And when I drink wine, I don’t drink it as I usually do (straight out of the box) but instead I swirl the box around and look at it thoughtfully for a minute before drinking it straight out of the box.
And with my wine, I eat different food too. Normally, I eat food that comes in the two main food shapes: “patty” or “noodle.” Now, however, I eat outrageously small portions of food molded into fancy shapes such as a flower or St. Paul’s Cathedral. I spend most of the meal picking out various inedible decorative sticks and shrubs that give the meal the general appearance of having been dragged through a small forest before being served. I also sometimes simply elect to have someone slap some small, dead animals on my plate.
I do it because I love the red, white and blue though! I have changed my name from John to “Jean.” I have stormed the prison down the street and liberated it. I have erected an enormous iron tower in my backyard that is unremarkable except for the fact that it is a big iron tower but I bill it as a big tourist attraction. I have beheaded anyone named Louis.
I have adopted a ludicrous accent in which I speak as if I have just consumed a gallon of vodka and am attempting to speak with a large apple wedged in my throat.
I surrender to random German tourists in the streets and then act snooty to people who help me.
Yeah, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, but I do what the president asks of me. ‘Cause I am a patriot.
Vive le United States.