TOM
Doctor Moseby, we came as soon as you called.
VIVIAN
Are the results in, Robert?
DOCTOR
Yes. They are. And I wish I had better news. The prognosis is…grim. Tom. Vivian. I’m afraid the two of you…are in a relationship.
TOM
Oh God. Oh Jesus.
VIVIAN
No. No. No! We’re just friends!
DOCTOR
Look, the lab results don’t lie: Neither of you have been involved with anyone for over six weeks; You have late-night phone calls where you “just talk”; You have an understood Saturday brunch date. You’re not friends. You’ve contracted a serious relationship.
TOM
Oh God. Oh Jesus.
DOCTOR
Tom. I need you to calm down and answer something honestly: have you ever canceled something so Vivian could take you shopping?
TOM
Well, I…it was just a pickup game, she-
DOCTOR
It’s more advanced than I thought! Don’t touch each other!
The two quickly move apart.
TOM
But…but, we’ve never even had sex!
DOCTOR
It’s not that simple. Sure, in the past, two people like you come into my office, I tell ’em it’s probably just a case of the common friendship. Chronic. But treatable. These days…it’s a different world out there. The relationship has mutated into…more insidious strains. Adapted to our toughest emotional defenses. And it can lie dormant as a friendship for weeks, months, years even. Then one day…boom.
TOM
Oh God. Oh Jesus.
DOCTOR
Stay calm! Vivian: are the two of you clingy at parties?
VIVIAN
Well…if we don’t know a lot of people, we-
DOCTOR
Do you flirt innocently when you talk?
VIVIAN
We joke, we’re jokers, it’s not-
DOCTOR
Have you ever rented and watched a romantic comedy? Just the two of you?
VIVIAN
I…I…(she looks back and forth helplessly between TOM and the DOCTOR) All our other friends had seen “When Harry Met Sally”! We had no choice!
DOCTOR
Jesus, you’ve past Stage Three already. Look: sex is just a matter of time now.
TOM
Then the friendship is…over?
DOCTOR
You’ve got three (checks their pulses) maybe four weeks. You two are a really good couple, and…without treatment, I’m afraid we’re looking at…marriage. (VIVIAN bursts out crying) Look…there is hope.
TOM
Whatever it takes. We…we can get through this. Right, Vivvy?
DOCTOR
Vivvy? Does anyone else call you Vivvy? (VIVIAN shakes her head no) Jesus! Get on opposite sides of the room! (They scramble apart) You have pet names for each other!? Do you want to marry?! Do you have some sort of marriage wish? Because if you just wanna go home and start writing invitations-
TOM
No…God, no, Doc, I’m…I’m a young man!
VIVIAN
(sniff) I’ve…I’ve got a blind date next Saturday. He…he’s an actor.
DOCTOR
Look. I don’t want this to end in a wedding either. I’ve seen it happen too much. I’ve lost too many close friends. I’ve gone to too many rehearsal dinners…. We can do this! But you’ve got to understand: what I’m gonna recommend is…risky.
TOM
Whatever it takes. Right? (VIVIAN give a teary nod)
DOCTOR
What I’d like to do is (he walks over to the light switch and dims it) induce sex.
TOM
Now?!
DOCTOR
A preemptive strike. The relationship’s not fully formed; it’s weak. If we apply sex, ill-advised sex, directly to it…we might be able to stop it in its tracks. (as he talks he switches on music from a bed console, and lights candles from a bedside cabinet)
VIVIAN
And if it…doesn’t take?
DOCTOR
Then…you may fall deeper in love.
TOM
Oh God. Oh Jesus.
VIVIAN wails.
DOCTOR
Look, we don’t have much time! If you really care about each other’s well-being, you’ll get on that bed and have a mindless, emotionally damaging sexual encounter! Otherwise (sigh)…I’m gonna have to call and congratulate your parents.
ANNOUNCER
Will Vivian and Tom decide to follow through with the Doctor’s treatment? Will his radical methods work? Will the author of this piece ever get over his severe emotional problems? Who knows!?! Not him!!! Woo hoo!!!
FIN