I have some kind of speed problem. Well, now that I re-read that sentence, I have two kinds of speed problems. The first is being taken care of in rehab, so that’s that. The second I discovered quite unwittingly whilst micturating in a fine eating establishment. I’ll set the scene:
Dinner is proceeding nicely. Suddenly there is signal from down below. Yes, it’s time to "make water". So I not-overly-politely excuse myself and make my way to the gent’s room. Check the stick figure on the door; no skirt; jackpot. Upon entering, I staunchly observe the Urinal Laws, ready the equipment, and proceed. But hey, what’s that? It’s a magazine article framed behind glass on the wall in front of me. Hmm, what’s it about? Looks like this restaurant was reviewed in the New Yorker Well, I haven’t had dessert yet. Let’s see what they recommend. Oh, looks like the tiramisu is good but you shouldn’t miss the– Just then, I realize, I’ve finished. I’m empty. Nothing left to excrete. Now I am torn. Do I stay and read, knowing full well I have no business being there, or boldly walk away with no idea what to order. No clue what is best. No inkling what "the–" is. Well, folks, I chose the latter. I had the carrot cake. It was good, but not the best. Not “the–“.
So you see my problem. Do I read too slowly? Or pee too fast? How do I first identify and then rectify whichever problem it is I have? What was the best dessert? Why must "Thay" put articles on the wall in front of me when they know there is no way I can finish it? What’s next? Refrigerator serials? Open the door, catch a glimpse of what’s happening to Tin-Tin. Open again next week for more adventures.
There is an ending to this story. Is it a “happy” ending? I don’t like to label. Now I carry around a little spy camera and take pictures of urinal literature. That way, I can read them later. When I’m on the throne.