Sometimes I wish babies could talk.
I’m not saying I think the CBS sitcom ‘Baby Bob’ is a good idea. I’m just saying it would be nice if every once in a while a baby could speak his or her mind.
Picture this:
Scene: It’s early. People, including a dapper-looking 24 year old, are riding the train into the city. It’s early. Some of them, again including said handsome 24 year old, are either trying to sleep or read. Did I mention it’s early? A mother and baby sit across from devastatingly good looking 24 year old. It’s still early, yet baby is amazingly quiet. Until…
Enter young woman with painfully high and annoying voice (YWWPHAAV)
YWWPHAAV: Hi, baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby. HiiIIIIIiiiii, bAAAAAAAaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAby. HiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, baaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAaAaAaAaAaAby.
Capital letters represent points at which YWWPHAAV goes supersonic, dogs start to bark, and heroic 24 year old’s ears start bleeding. And, mind you, this goes on for 20 minutes.
Formerly sweet and quiet baby’s response: WWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hypothetically, let’s say the above takes place EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY! Hypothetically. Wouldn’t it be great if instead of crying, the baby would respond:
Baby: Hey, lady. I’m right here. You don’t have to talk so damn high or loud. I can understand English a little, and your condescending tone is pissing me off. Also, my name’s not baby. It’s Mike. So, how ’bout you shut your trap already. You’re upsetting me, and you’re making that guy’s ears bleed.
At which point the baby would wink at me, er, I mean, the 24 year old, who would, in turn, respond with the thumbs up sign. Or if the good looking, intelligent, funny and very available 24 year old was feeling especially saucy, he’d give the thumbs down.
The baby, obviously very intelligent considering all the talking, would immediately pick up on the 24 year old’s reference to the Coloseum battles of Roman gladiators, in which a thumb’s down from Caesar would mean death for the losing gladiator, in this case YWWPHAAV.
Then the baby would lop off her head or if he was feeling merciful just cut out her tongue.
And the rest of the commuters could get back to sleeping or reading.
Yeah, it’d be great if babies could talk…