So, picture this: I’m walking around in lovely New York City on a rainy, windy, and cold-y Tuesday afternoon, and I’m thinking to myself, “Why would Mr. York have founded a city in such a cold-ass-cold place? Why, when Mr. York was looking for a city to found, didn’t he just head down to Florida, or, like, at least South Carolina or something?” It doesn’t really make sense. If you’re going to settle down someplace, why wouldn’t you just try and keep your bits-and-pieces warm instead of freezing them off every six months? If you think about it, almost all major metropolitan cities are in like completely un-hospitable places.
Moscow, St. Petersburg, Leningrad, and Stalingrad, all of these are different and unique Russian cities. Oh, and they’re all really cold. People wonder why Russia’s always bitching, “Waaah, we don’t have any food, we’re so sad." "Waaah, our socio-political infrastructure wasn’t prepared to contain a burgeoning free-market economy, we’re so sad." "Waaah, our President’s last name is Putin, so it’s really easy to make fun of him by saying stuff like, ‘Vladamir Put-in a new President cuz this one sucks,’ we’re so sad.” Well, they’re bitching ’cause they’re cold. Everything would probably be better in Russia if it had just been founded in a warmer climate. Well, except that Napoleon would have probably succeeded with his invasion and “Da” would be “Oui,” but that’s a whole ‘nother story. Just think, Anton “Antawn” Chekov’s plays would have been about love and success, and maybe he would have got his basketball career out of the shadow of Konstantin “Vince” Stanislavsky. The implications are tremendous! Tremendous!
But I say “whatever” to Russia, ’cause they shouldn’t have been founded in such a cold place. They’ve made their proverbial bed, and they are just going to have to sleep in it. But it’s not an ordinary bed, it’s a bed of nails! And, they’re cold, hard, frozen, proverbial nails, so it’s really uncomfortable to sleep there. Unless you have some vodka, then it’s only slightly uncomfortable to sleep there. Unless you get used to it, you’re fine. Maybe you’re some kind of circus freak or something, and you practice this sort of thing… hmm… Where were we? Ah yes, cold cities.
On the flip side (which is where I kick it), it turns out that places that are founded in warmer climates are just poo. Look at places like Laos. More like, Laos-ey. Or like Cambodia. More like, Commode-ia. Or like Houston. More like, Hou-Stoned do you have to be in order to conceive a kid like Harris Brodsky (sorry, Harris, it’s just too good)?
I suppose, now that I think about it, I don’t really have a problem with any of these more temperate locales; I just don’t like the names. Maybe that’s it. Maybe people who’ve decided to found stuff in warm climates are so delirious with the prospect of moving away from their snowy homes that they end up thinking up stupid names that mean stuff like, “My friend” (Miami) or “The Angels” (L.A.), or “Holy, Tall, and Skinny” (Sri Lanka). What with the moving costs and the stupid names, why would anyone want to move to a sunny place?
My personal theory is that the first people who were looking for places to settle were like, “Yo, for real, we need some ice up in this piece!” And so they were like, “Well, we gotz to move to the nizzy up in this heezy.” Why you ask? What could possibly be the need for ice? Because you know they had to have ice for their gin and juice. Shit, Pilgrims be frontin’.