When was the last time you ran into a shepherd at the grocery store? Or sat next to one at the movie theater? Behind one in line at a soup-to-go stand? It’s probably been awhile since you saw a shepherd. I myself have never seen anyone involved in the shepherding profession. Personally, I thought the need for shepherding a flock of sheep went out with the cloning of one. All we need do is threaten them:
ME: “If you don’t stay with the rest of your flock, we’re sending you to the cloning lab with the other stray members.”
SHEEP: “BAAAAAAAA.”
ME: “I’m glad that’s settled. Now behave, I’ve got to make a call on my cell phone.”
Apparently that’s the big fad now, with all the new cell phone companies and long distance suppliers. They’re making commercials with shepherds all over the place. Shepherds at the mall, at the restaurant you’re going to, in the bathroom at the convenience store, trying to make it to Savannah before his shipment of sheep is expected. Because he can’t travel without his trusty sheep. I don’t claim to know the mind of a shepherd, because I never lived between the Tigris and Euphrates, but I would think even they need a day off. I would think that people go into shepherding out of necessity, not because they were born to be a shepherd:
SHEPHERD: “I’m goin’ away for awhile mom.”
MOM: “But dear, I thought you had that wonderful apprenticeship lined up with the alchemist.”
SHEPHERD: “I can’t! I was born to be a shepherd! It’s the only way I can live!”
So when these shepherds are lucky enough to get the local falafel shop patron to cover for him, and go have a couple of jugs of wine with the boys, he might want a break from the constant “baa-ing” of four-legged, breathing sweaters. But, no, we wouldn’t be that lucky. Every time a shepherd is walking through a tollbooth on his cell phone, he has anywhere between five and 14,000 sheep in tow. Which is first of all annoying, and second of all frightening. Evidently, they have mind control over their sheep and can make them go wherever and do whatever they wish, which is exactly what the cellular companies are trying to tap into.
I guess the idea is that if it’s good enough for a shepherd, then it’s good enough for my long distance cellular needs. And they are damn right. It’s about time the ad makers for the phone giants, who have slightly less money than NRA-card holding tobacco czars from North Carolina, came up with a symbol that people everywhere can identify with. Viewers understand the plight of the shepherd. When your bringin’ in your flock, and you run into an old rival shepherd that you haven’t heard from in awhile (because shepherd rivalries run deep), you need to call your wife to tell her to hold off on trying to make fire to heat the stew for another hour. Who hasn’t been in that situation? Or you wake up and find an errant sheep rummaging through a bag of grain in the kitchen. I think we all know how silly we feel in those situations.
Perhaps other industries need to adapt this spokesperson for the ages. Looking to buy a throw rug for the foyer? Not unless a shepherd has slept on it. Need a refreshing sports drink after the big game? Only something that can keep a shepherd going all day long. Know who you are gonna vote for to be our next Commander in Chief? I personally want someone who has proven himself as a Commander in Sheep.
So, once again, and certainly not for the last time, shepherds have changed the course of our lives. But they are vanishing quickly. So quickly that it seems as though there haven’t been any shepherds for years. That is why we have to buy as many cell phones, as quickly as we can. I, myself, am going to have to buy a new one soon. My sheep just ate my old one.