It’s been said by many that not only is the President of the United States our Chief Executive Officer, but he also serves as a sort of father figure to the American citizenry.
I would like to evaluate our two current candidates with this theory in mind.
Al Gore is a stern father. He’s strict, tough and none too emotional. Of course, you’re never going to be good enough for him, no matter what you do. You can’t please the guy. I mean, you bring home a test that you got a 98 on, and he wants to know what you missed and why? He says he knows the answer. Well, woop de doo for you, Mr. Big Shot! How bout you act a little more condescending next time?!
Ahem…yes. Anyway. George Bush, well, George Bush isn’t so much a father figure. He’s more of a drunken uncle type, isn’t he? You wouldn’t really want him helping you out on school projects, but it’d be cool to smoke with him behind the gym.
So, basically we’re choosing between a father who has all the answers, but is a dick, and a drunken uncle type who has none of the answers, but you wouldn’t mind partying with.
America, lend me your ears as I throw out a better candidate.
Think back to your childhood. Who always made you feel happy? Who always cheered you on no matter what? Who never scolded you? Who always stood up for you when your parents were mad? Who gave you $10 every time you saw her? Who tricked you into eating brussel sprouts by telling you they were “little cabbages”? Most importantly, who always had candy?
That’s right: Grandma.
So, America, next election I implore you to vote for an elderly woman because whether or not our electoral system works, we can at least have a candidate with candy.