I have recently become prone, in difficult situations, to consult my clothing for advice. This may seem unusual, but what would you say if I told you that… people do it all the time!? Not much, since you are probably reading this alone somehwere, and we’d prefer you did not talk out loud to the computer screen.
I am referring, however, to the ever popular “What Would Jesus Do?” (WWJD) bracelet that I purchased recently. The idea is that when confronted with a situation, you would, as a devout Christian, be reminded by your bracelet to consider what Jesus Christ would have done in a similar situation. So, for example, when someone cuts you off in traffic you would raise your arm to make a famous finger gesture and suddenly be halted by your bright WWJD bracelet and instead you would regain your composure and “turn the other cheek” as it were.
Unfortunately, Jesus was a remarkable man/God and there are some times when you would not be able to do what he did. For example, suppose that you are having a party and your guests are just about to arrive and you realize you forgot to buy wine. If you were to look at your WWJD bracelet, you would be advised to simply turn ordinary tap water into wine. This, however, is not feasible for someone like you. Luckily, to counterpoint my Jesus bracelet I recently bought a WWTJMD bracelet – “What Would T. J. Monkey’s Do?” With this bracelet on my other wrist, I would know that the proper thing to do would be to hide in a closet while my guests beat on the front door until, frustrated and confused, they go home. I would then make elaborate arrangements to fake my own death so as to avoid awkward explanations.
So, armed with my WWJD and my WWTJMD bracelets, one would think I am prepared to face the world. Alas, no. Consider this situation: a hot woman approaches me. Startled, I quickly consider my options. WWJD tells me to convert this woman to Christianity and propound the virtues of celibacy. WWTJMD tells me to mumble awkwardly until I pass out in a pool of my own vomit. Clearly, neither option is workable.
So, I bought a WWRDJD (“What Would Robert Downey Jr. Do?”) necktie. Armed with this inspiration, I know the best course of action is to be charming and witty and seductive just like on “Ally Macbeal.” ‘Cause the womens, they just love the Robert Downey Jr.
So, I thought I was covered and then I began to work on some scenarios. Let’s suppose I am stuck in a violent storm on a boat in the middle of the ocean. It’s about to sink and I need to do something to save myself. Now, I can’t do what my WWJD suggests (Walk on water) nor do I want to do what my WWTJMD suggests (Die) and my WWRDJD advice (Cocaine) seems like even more trouble. Concerned that I might find myself in such a situation, I immediately headed to the mall to seek some helpful clothing.
I quickly picked up a WWASRHBD headband (“What Would A Sane, Rational Human Being Do?”) but I realized that in some situations I might want to cut loose and be a little crazy but would be sobered by my WWASRHBD headband if I happened to glimpse myself in a mirror. To counter this, I bought a WWZZGD belt (“What Would Zsa Zsa Gabor Do?”) which would remind you to be a little crazy and shop and call people “Dahlink” a lot. However, I advise anyone who buys a WWZZGD belt to also purchase the optional DDWAGWD boxer shorts (“Don’t Do What Ava Gabor Would Do.”) because in a moment of panic you might see your WWZZGD belt but confuse Zsa Zsa with Ava and then go buy a farm with Eddie Albert.
Now, I can hear you saying, “Is it a good idea to wear DDWAGWD boxers?” Well, I understand your concerns because it is highly possible that, going back to an earlier scenario, when approached by an attractive woman you might be consulting your clothes and inadvertently take off your pants to remind yourself DDWAGWD. However, as you unbutton your pants you will see your WWJD bracelet and think, “Jesus would never take off his pants in front of a woman. Jesus didn’t even wear pants.” And so a crisis will be averted once more.
Some people argue that getting all this advice from your clothing might be a little time-consuming. They may choose to live life on the edge, without giving a lot of thought to what their tie would recommend they do. To those people, I say, good for you. Live life on the edge. Consult your shoes. And then just do it.