Pain is your body’s way of saying “Please cease and desist your current activities. You are contributing to my disrepair.” So when I am experiencing pain, I heed my body’s call. I stop doing whatever it is I was doing that was causing pain if at all possible.
This is the main reason I don’t exercise.
Also, I am allergic to sweat.
But despite my aversion to exercise and my proclivity for Chicken McNuggets, I too want that ideal Herculean figure. Luckily, modern technology and infomercials have made it possible for me to sit on my lazy ass and achieve that chiseled look I’m after.
I begin with a strict regimen of specialized pills. These “magic beans” allow me to eat whatever I want and still loose weight. That’s right. Anything I want. Cheesecake. Fried Cheesecake. Glass. These pills enhance your natural metabolism so much, the dosing instructions read “To be taken once per day with stick of butter.” No, but seriously folks, these pills. I mean, am I right here or what?
But a healthy diet alone won’t pump (clap) me up. Some form of muscle construction is needed. Luckily, I can sculpt my muscles from the ease of my couch. No need for a soloflex, bowflex, ab-roller, or thighmaster. I just need to clip on my Fastabs electric belt, now with two electrodes! Yes, electrodes. Apparently I can stimulate my abs to grow and harden through electrocution. All I need to do is wear this electric belt that causes my ab muscles to twitch uncontrollably, evidently giving them a good workout while I play Pokemon. Shock therapy isn’t just for the mind anymore, folks. It’s a shame that the electric chair has such irreversible side effects because we could all have saved a lot of time, money, and effort with one just one glute exercise.
I’m a sculpted Adonis thanks to electricity. And I didn’t have to stop watching TV to get this way, which is great because I needed to get rid of some unwanted hair, and I could never have done it without the fine people at Igia. So excuse me, I’m gonna go slip my buff, hairless self into a free terry-cloth robe, crawl in to my craftmatic adjustable bed, cut up my old shoes with a ginsu knife, and listen to Love Songs of the 80’s, all for 3 easy installments $49.99.