What a lot of people who read this Web site do not now is that we at T.J. Monkey’s have a lot of celebrity connections. From leaders of state to sultans of swing, if they’re famous someone from T.J. Monkey’s has probably had lunch with them, shared a stage with them, or tried to steal their underwear.
Since we have this inside connection, I though that every once in a while you loyal readers might like one or two tidbits on those we know who have risen with us to the pinnacle of fame and fortune. As you’ve probably guessed from the title of this thought, my particular connection is with the members of the band Megadeath. Just kidding, you jackass, it’s obviously about that mega-popular band, REO Speedwagon.
For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last 30 years or who might have actual lives and been too busy to care about them, REO Speedwagon is a band that enjoyed worldwide fame and adulation from February 4, 1985 – February 7, 1985 after which the cable got turned back on, and everyone got back to watching the “Price is Right.” For those few days though, our generation was changed forever by the unapologetic lyrics of Kevin Cronin, the unforgiving bass of Bruce Hall, the silky auburn locks of Dave Amato, and the contributions of other guys in the band who are probably dead now or something.
It seems like hardly a day goes by when I am not asked, “Hey, by the way, whatever happened to REO Speedwagon?” This could be because I work at the REO Speedwagon Information Hotline, but I like to think it’s because the world burns to know more about REO. To quench this admirable thirst for knowledge, I recently had a chance to catch up with REO.
The band is infamous in their zealous protection of their own privacy but I managed to entice them into an interview by offering them money for heroin. We met at a local Starbucks, and they made quite an entrance piled into the back of a 1974 puke-green Chevette with tinted windows.
We sat down for the following interview:
T. J. Monkeys: Well, guys, thanks for coming to meet with us.
REO Speedwagon: Yeah, you said something about heroin money. (It should be noted they all spoke in unison.)
TJM: Yeah, you’ll get your money after the interview. Now, I’ve got a few questions. Is it tough being on tour when in a recent poll 87% of respondents thought you were dead?
REO: Yeah, well, our hardcore fans know what the real score is, you know?
TJM: But this poll was taken of your friends and immediate family.
REO: They meant they think we are dead inside.
TJM: When do you plan to release a new album?
REO: (REO confers for a moment.) Dare.
TJM: (Pause.) Double Dare.
REO: (Confers.) We’ll take the physical challenge.
At this point, REO tried to throw balloons full of green slime down drummer Bryan Hitt’s pants but they weren’t able to do it and I ended up winning a Sony Walkman.
So there you have it, the latest on REO Speedwagon. I have a feeling you’ll sleep a little easier tonight knowing that they are still together. I know I will. Because it means they are all in one place, and I am less likely to run into one of them.