It would be pretty hard to go to work everyday if it weren’t for the wonderful people waiting there to great me with a smile and a danish, sometimes a bagel (but never any lox). They are so wonderful and such a diverse group you can’t help but feel all warm and fuzzy inside when you show up there between the hours of 9am and 11am.
The first thing to greet me as I walk through the security door is the nasal whine of a voice from the temp at reception on our floor. It’s a voice that reminds me of the character Rick Moranis played in Ghostbusters, but she has added a shrill pitch to it that simply takes it to another level.
After I pass by reception and take my hands off my ears, I walk right by The Creepy Sisters. These two examples of convergent evolution make everyone feel at ease in the office and are a great reprieve from the howler monkey at reception. The eldest Creepy Sister does not have command of her neck muscles, perhaps won’t use them, or was born without them. In order for her to look at something she must turn her entire body in that direction, or she will simply talk in your general vicinity, and you have to pick up on the fact that she is talking to you. Some might think it eerie when she slowly swivels her entire body to say something to you, with that emotionless stare across her face. But it merely reminds me that she is very likely related to some long dead James Bond villain.
Once you slink past the first Creepy Sister you run smack dab into the shorter, yet more frightening creepy sibling. She is the younger, shorter sibling and is obviously descended from Leprechaun ilk. Her red fiery red hair is almost able to hide the fact that her head is always angled toward the ground, not unlike the body of a Ford Taurus. Meanwhile her eyes are pushed up into the top of her sockets so that she may maintain a even level of sight. It has the fabulous effect of making her look quite evil.
Once the chills have stopped you can finally make it to your desk, stool or office, depending upon your stature in the company hierarchy. But it’s not over. Throughout the day you may catch fleeting glimpses of the last quandary. She is a mild mannered secretary, in her 50’s or 60’s. She wears a good deal of make up and her perfume leaves an almost visible trail that in emergencies can be used to track her. The most disconcerting thing would have to be the fact that this woman has huge fake breasts. Oh, how crude, you say. Typical male behavior, you jibe. How do I know, you question? Well, my little adventurers, after a significant time on this planet, gravity will begin to take its toll on our bodies. We may grow shorter, our skin will become less taught and things will start to sag. Let me tell you, her chest is the last bastion on this woman that is bucking this whole gravity thing. Still don’t approve of my comments? Well, let’s just imagine what it would be like to see your grandmother, and as she stands up from her chair you notice that she has a gigantic rack. Yeah, I thought so. Weird.
But these are the people in my office and they are my friends. Or at least they would be if they ever talked to me.