MEMO TO ALL FIRM EMPLOYEES:
These are the new rules and regulations applicable to all employees. This version of the immutable laws supersedes any previous immutable law memo. The Firm reserves the right to change these rules, update the rules, or eliminate the rules at any given time. This memo does not constitute a binding contract for either party, and any one may walk away from this deal as a result of fraud, breach of contract, or hurt feelings. The rules are as follows:
- Wherever you are, at any time, you are a representative of The Firm. As such, you must project the qualities embodied by The Firm since it was first founded by the four corrupt businessman who were barred from doing business in every other state. As a representative of The Firm you may not misrepresent the goals or opinions of The Firm, give insider information to another party, drink with clients, drink with co-workers, drink with friends, have fun with clients, have fun by yourself, or do anything that does not involve being at The Firm or at home.
- There will be no fraternization with other employees of The Firm. To that end, we have created a caste system within The Firm, limiting the number of people you may associate with, without becoming a social pariah. To further ensure this policy, The Firm will only hire unattractive members of the opposite sex, or same sex – should one of you slip through The Firm’s extensive screening process.
- To increase productivity and further crush your spirit, you will not have access to the Internet, even if the specifications of your job require the use of the web. Should you be granted the use of the Internet from a rogue Executive, you then must go through and gain additional permission from five people in the Information Technology Department, two of whom don’t actually exist.
- There will be no music played during working and non-working hours, even if your job description involves watching VH1. As an additional precaution, all Firm computers have been stripped of their CD-ROM drives, CD player programs, and speaker capabilities. Also, any computer can be destroyed at a moment’s notice by a thought from the head of the IT Department. Do not threaten him.
- All meals will be eaten in The Firm cafeteria, which offers very awful food at very affordable prices.
- The Firm will hold functions for all employees, but they will be sparse, poorly publicized and held in the boiler room.
- Everything you do at The Firm must be documented. See additional Memo #851: Billing for Bathroom Time.
- Most importantly, The Firm reserves the right to terminate you, your benefits, or your dog at any time. If you do not possess a dog, The Firm will get you a pet, hire it, and then terminate it for your transgressions.
Reading this document signifies commitment to The Firm, the above rules, and is a binding contract. You and your eternal soul are now employees of The Firm. Have a nice day.