For all of you not keeping up with current events, let me fill you in on what just happened recently with China and America. 24 Americans were held captive in China and forced to repeatedly watch the Airline dubbed version of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (the delightful German version). Apparently, these Americans were spying on the Chinese in order to learn military secrets, and more important, the identity of the "special" ingredient in General Tso’s chicken (trust me, it’s not chicken). The American plane was "nudged" by a Chinese flying rickshaw and had to make an emergency landing in Chinese territory. Blah blah blah, tensions were/are high. Blah blah blah, negotiations took days. Blah blah blah, they have nuclear weapons so we couldn’t just nuke Beijing and end stuff quickly.
The bottom line is that for three or four days there, we didn’t have our spies, I mean, pilots on safe American soil. People are blaming the cold war mentality for this standoff, but I think that’s balderdash. Poppycock, if you will. I think the cause of this standoff boils down to one simple thing: "The Johnson Effect."
Here’s how it works:
George W. Bush: "Hey Jiang Zemin, my Johnson is bigger."
Jiang Zemin: "No. Mine is bigger."
George W. Bush: "Mine has its own zipcode"
Jiang Zemin: "I can drag cars with mine"
George W. Bush: "Your wife thought mine was bigger"
Jiang Zemin: "My wife is a whore."
And that’s why nothing was getting done for so long. But Bush, being the cagey moron that he is, stumbled onto the solution. He simply sent Colin Powell over there to get the job done. Problem solved.
Colin Powell: "Hey Jiang Zemin, My Johnson is bigger."
Jiang Zemin: "Yes it is. Here are your hostages back."
Colin Powell: "Your wife thought mine was bigger."
Jiang Zemin: "My wife is a whore."
Politics is a poker game, and sometimes you have to bluff when you don’t have the best hand. Unfortunately, "The Johnson Effect" causes every politician to bluff because nobody actually has a hand as good as they say they do. Everyone has an average hand and there are a couple of freaks out there that happen to have a really good hand that ruin it for the rest of us. Wait, I’m talking about politics still, right?
The moral of this thought my little boys and girls is that China is evil. Chinese people are cool, especially really hot Chinese girls, but China as a country sucks. That’s why I think we should sell lots of arms to Taiwan because Taiwan is the next closest thing to a world super power outside of the United Kingdom and is our only defense against the potential onslaught of the Chinese. Or the Russians. So my advice to Bush is the following: bomb everyone and forget about your Johnson. Leave the Johnson stuff to real patriots like Colin Powell.