If you’re familiar with this “Internet” that everyone is talking about these days, you may have heard of this new posthumous e-mail service. Apparently, you can sign up with this service and write a bunch of e-mails to various people which will be sent to them when you die. How does the Internet know when you’re dead, you ask? Don’t question the Internet! That’s what I say because otherwise I don’t know the answer to the question.
This idea rather fascinates me, primarily because I am death obsessed – and great fun at parties!! Really though, what a great idea – and a great way to send those messages to people that you could never share with them in life. Indeed, this is the perfect excuse not to have to share anything deeply personal or meaningful with people in life so that only after you die will anyone know how you really felt and then will you truly feel spiritually cleansed – if you can feel anything when you’re dead so maybe you don’t give a damn.
Anyway, I thought that I would totally defeat the purpose of the service and share all my letters here. Because, and I mean this sincerely, I’m an idiot. So here we go.
To Abraham Lincoln
Dear Abe,
By now you may know I’m dead. I’m sorry to tell you this, but I never thought you were that great a president. Frankly, I was never impressed that you grew a beard because some elementary school kid thought you should. Elementary school children frequently pee in their pants and put on their clothes backwards, which, in my mind anyway, disqualifies them from giving reliable fashion tips. Either way, the fact that you are so easily swayed by mail from citizens is troubling in that most people who write to their politicians are completely deranged.
Sincerely,
John
PS: God knows if you’ll read this – you’ve never answered a single letter I’ve written you in my entire life, you stuck up prick.
To the Jack Daniels Distillery
Dear Mr. Distillery,
I’m sorry that I could never write this letter in life, but I never could quite find the words. Well, ok, that’s not true, I’m alive right now and obviously writing this so I can find the words I just can’t bring myself to say them to you in person. Anyway, I thought you deserved an explanation of why we… well, ended things. I’m sure you know – it was a result of the… unpleasantness. I don’t know what possessed me to drink so much of you that night. All I can really remember is being sprawled on a dorm bathroom floor hugging a toilet for over an hour. I do recall that normally I would be uncomfortable walking on such a floor in a biohazard suit and that in a sober state of mind I would rather pee in the sink then touch the toilet seat lid, but no such inhibitions existed that night! No sir! Either way, when the orgy of stomach expulsion ended and the next morning dawned, I could no longer look you in the eye. I’m sorry I never had the guts to offer you an explanation – I’m sure you labored under the impression that whatever had torn us apart was entirely your fault. Well, the truth is, it absolutely was your fault.
Sincerely,
John
To Duke
Dear Duke,
You’ve been so persistent. You got me to fork over a good $120,000 while I attended you, and I thought that was an accomplishment. But then, then you really started in on me. You begged for money from the day I left you. You sent me letters asking for money. You sent me e-mails asking for money. You kidnapped members of my family. You hacked into my bank account. You told me you were a Nigerian investor who needed to deposit money in my account if only I would give you my bank account number. You told me you could make my penis larger for just a pittance. Each time, I rejected your attempts to suck more money out of me like a giant educational leech. Well, on my death, I reward you for your persistence. I have made out a check for most of my amassed fortune – $100 million. It has been sealed in an envelope and now that I am dead will be mailed to you for your use. Oh, but if you look at the check, you’ll notice I “forgot” to sign it. Oops!!
Sincerely,
John
To Whomever Receives My Donated Organs,
Dear Organ Receiver,
You’ve got some great merchandise here, so treat it gently. A couple tips – sometimes the right kidney doesn’t always work smoothly – just jiggle it a little and it should start back up. The eyes are good, though they get a little leaky sometimes – especially at the end of sappy movies that really should not cause this problem (e.g., take my advice, if you want to avoid this problem, don’t watch the end of Home Alone. Yea, I can’t explain why either.). Go gentle on the heart, it’s been broken a few times but it heals up nice. I’m not sure if any of it is still under warranty, but there’s a set of instructions in the glove compartment. No one’s ever read them though, it’s more fun not knowing, really.
Sincerely,
John
To My Friends
Dear Friends,
I believe the tradition is to impart wisdom gathered over the years. Well, I’m writing this at 27, so not sure how much wisdom there is to share. Here’s my piece of advice: Don’t carry an umbrella if it’s not raining. Carrying an umbrella invites it to rain. Not carrying an umbrella defies it to rain. Be defiant.
Most important: Laugh more than you cry. If you can say that when it’s all over, then you haven’t done that badly at all.
Sincerely,