You know, I look on TJM as a sort’ve oracle of religious knowledge. I mean, we’ve wrestled with some big questions here, and Bret… well, Bret, he’s practically Moses or something, right? But while we’ve tackled some of the big questions, we certainly haven’t hit them all. So, I pose some of the noodle-scratchers we’ve yet to take on. Here’s hoping Bret can help sort them out.
If Jesus had to live with two attractive single women in a 1980’s sitcom, would he pretend he was gay so that Mr. Roper wouldn’t make him move out?
I mean, wow, huh? ‘Cause, like, you’ve got the whole God condemning homosexuality in the Bible thing, right? But then, God probably wants to get Jesus out of his garage, too, and out living on his own see. So, what’s the right call there?
If the twelve apostles formed a basketball team with Jesus as head coach, which five would start?
Yeah, I know — tough, right? I mean, I think you gotta put Thomas at point guard, but what if he starts doubting his jump shot? John’s got the height and Paul’s got the bulk to post up down low, but who’s your small forward? What about Judas? I mean, he’s got the speed and great court awareness, but Jesus knows there’s a big betrayal coming. What if it’s in the fourth quarter of a tight one against Dead Sea Tech?
If God created everything and evolution is a total lie, how come God created Darwin?
I gotta think Darwin was a product of middle management. You know, God’s doing the George Washingtons and Ghandis and there’s some wonk from Sector 13 in charge of the dorks of the world. And probably one night this dude, trying to get out of the office, fires off some half-ass embryo that turns out to be Darwin and now all these creationism theories are shot right to shit! Boy, I bet heads rolled that day.
How could God let them cancel Sports Night but keep on crap like Dharma and Greg?
Well, granted there’s a lot of these types of questions floating around. I guess the real issue is whether God is a Nielsen family or not. If He is, you think He’d say he was watching Masterpiece Theater when he was really watching Fear Factor?
When God stubs His toe, does He curse himself?
“Me dammit!” Or maybe he curses something else. What if it was one of us? *Bang* “Porter dammit!”
Does Jesus listen to NPR’s Car Talk?
Well, I do.
Can God ever enjoy a horror movie?
I mean, He knows what’s coming — so He’s never gonna get shocked. As a side note, how much must it suck to watch movies with God? “Hey, watch this guy, he’s trouble.” “Um, yeah, thanks God.”
If Jesus entered a dance contest and His dance partner sucked, would He still win?
I mean, Jesus may be able to dance circles around the other contestants, but if His partner is a lead weight around his neck, how’s that turn out? Damned if I know.
Damned probably for even asking too.