Once upon a time, there was a meadow, and in that meadow there was an ugly duckling. He also had two brothers: the beautiful duckling and the uglier duckling.
The ugly duckling had a rough childhood. All the creatures of the meadow taunted and teased the ugly duckling. “Your face is like poo!” screamed the cute little puppies. “Is that your face? Or did your neck vomit?” screamed the cute and clever little bear cubs. “Your face is not aesthetically pleasing!” screamed the cute, articulate and very direct little baby otters. The ugly duckling didn’t like all the jibes, but there wasn’t much he could do. He was an excellent student. He had an eye for design. And his mother told him that his salmon almondine was the best she’s ever tasted. Still, no one cared for his other talents. He was ugly, and that was that.
The beautiful duckling’s childhood was fine. He had a lot of fun playing with all the little creatures of the meadow. The puppies, the bears, the otters: they all loved the beautiful duckling. Oh! the fun they all had! Dancing! Singing! Throwing rocks at the ugly duckling! The beautiful duckling wasn’t bright, but no one cared because no one likes a smart aleck. He wasn’t polite rude, but no one cared because they admired his confidence. He continually lied and cheated on his childhood sweethearts, but apparently no one cared because he was the first in the meadow to get to second base. He was beautiful, and that was that.
The uglier duckling had a sad and lonely childhood. Seeing the public’s reaction to the ugly ducking, he decided to never even go outside the nest. His mother protested, but loved and understood her little hideous child, and allowed him to hide himself from the outside world. He never talked to anyone. He just sat in his room, played a lot of computer role-playing games, and sighed. He was really ugly. And that was that.
Time passed in the meadow. The puppies became dogs. The bear cubs became bears. The baby otters became endangered species and were shipped to a beautiful zoo in the magical land of San Diego.
The ugly duckling grew up and became a beautiful swan. Everyone loved the beautiful swan. “Oh! Ugly duckling! You are now a beautiful swan! How splendid! Though we never supported you through your trying adolescence, we would now like to offer our support! For we have a short and selective memory, and now that you are pleasing to look at, we worship you and praise you, and are willing to look over any shortcomings you have in other areas!” The ugly duckling forgot all the hard times he went through and accepted the love of the creatures of the meadow. It’s hard to turn down unconditional love. His other talents faded. He didn’t need to be so smart, since no one really listened to what he said. He didn’t worry about his paintings and interior design projects, since he was wary of making anything that would rival his newfound physical beauty. And he stopped making salmon almondine, too. It had a cream-based sauce, and beautiful swans need to watch their figure. He lived out the rest of his days in total happiness, and that was that.
The beautiful duckling grew up and became a beautiful duck. His success continued. More good times. More friends. He soon got to third base with quite a few female ducks, and got waved home by plenty too. He got a great job. Made a lot of money. Finally settled down with a wife and kids. He was late to work a lot, but his boss didn’t mind. He cheated on his wife sometimes, but she understood. He was rude to his kids, but they didn’t know any different. He was told his brother, the ugly duckling, who he had taunted so much as a child, had grown up to become a beautiful swan. He paused, looked up for a moment from snorting his line of coke, and said, “No kidding? Huh…well, what do you know.” He lived out the rest of his days in total happiness, and that was that.
The uglier duckling grew up and became a very ugly duck. He was thrust into the adult world with bad grades, little ambition, and absolutely no interpersonal skills. He worked as a bookstore clerk for several years until a freak cash register mistake caused him to be fired. Desperate and lonely, he took to the streets. He ended up in a mental hospital outside Portland, and lived out the rest of his days curled up in a ball, getting strong medicine that numbed his hurt. And that was that.
All stories like this have a moral, and so does this one. The moral is:
It’s all right to be ugly, as long as it’s just temporary, but it’s better to just be pretty to begin with. Well, either way, clearly the only thing that matters is looks.
Of course, this story was all about ducks and swans. It’s not like it’s applicable to humans in any way. I mean, humans would never do crazy things like…judge people solely on appearance, or…allow a fellow human to drive himself insane, or…talk to otters. Right? Right.
And that…is that.