Hey Zoe, I wanted to see if I could talk to you for a minute. I can see by the stunned look on your face that you’re not sure why I would be talking to you. I’m Todd Everley, the coolest guy in the Freshman class. I’m the first freshman to make the Varsity squad for both basketball and football in the history of East Oaks High. I was Freshman class Homecoming King. I have a body that’s unusually developed and sculpted for a fifteen year old. I have these kickass sideburns. All that’s true.
The reason that I want to talk to you is that I feel like we may be very compatible. See, I was watching this “before they were stars” TV special on Super Models this past weekend and it was pretty interesting to me. I can’t help but notice that you’ve had a rough time of it so far in high school. You’re kind of freakishly tall and skinny, and you stand out like a sore thumb. You’re kind of a tom-boy and so you’re not really putting that much effort into making yourself beautiful. Your hair is frizzy, but with the right products I think it could look really beautiful. What I’m trying to say is that you seem to fit all of the characteristics of the typical Super Model’s “Ugly Duckling” phase. By the end of High School you’re probably going to be a really amazing beauty. You’ve already got really beautiful features and you’ll grow into your body and become more comfortable with yourself and spend a little more time on yourself too.
You’re welcome. I meant every word of it. Now here’s the deal: Even with a beautiful future ahead of you, high school is gonna be pretty rough. Eventually, the name Zoe is gonna seem beautiful and exotic but right now everybody just thinks of you as Too-Tall Zoe. For me, high school is gonna be a breeze. I’ve got it made. But beyond that my future is cloudy. I’m not too good at academics, East Oaks isn’t a big enough school for me to get noticed by college athletic recruiters, and my pattern has a history of severe male pattern baldness that sets in around the age of nineteen.
I’ve had my lawyer draft up some papers. It’s basically an agreement to a longterm romantic relationship starting tomorrow. I’ll date you and treat you like a queen all throughout high school, eliminating what would have been for you three more emotionally scarring years of teasing and torment. We’ll marry soon after you get your first huge modeling contract and live happily for ten to fifteen years until we amicably separate.
Well, I’m glad you’re so eager to sign. You won’t regret it. A lot of Super Models have done similar things. I mean, how do you think Rebecca Romijn ended up with John Stamos?